Get Smart Get Strong

Missed a milestone

I had my gastric bypass RNY on August 26, 2009. At the time I weighed 278 (down 50+ pounds from the pre-surgery diet).

Today it’s 3 years and two months later and I weigh in at a whopping 222. At my lowest I got down to 170. So I’m still down 99 pounds from my original weight, but as I start to get back on track, that extra 52 pounds really, really overwhelms me. I guess it will take about a year to lose it back. Which is only right – it took a year of doing the wrong things to gain it!

One of the things that I realized i wasn’t doing was writing/journaling/blogging anymore. I hated admiting that I was gaining and gaining and gaining. I was going to be the role model for RNY – the “Right Way” to do it. Sigh.

Reality is that life stress, which I thought I’d learned to manage with all sorts of other coping tools, finally devolved back to stress eating and comfort foods. Bread, pastry, sweets – you name it, I’ve been eating it.

So going to check out all the great back on track threads and get started – AGAIN.

But that’s okay. it’s giving up that is not cool. Starting over is okay. Staying on track is better, but I choose to forgive myself and get going again.

Today: I will walk 3 miles.

Today: I will have low carb, high protein and nutritious food.

Today: I will take all my vitamins.

Today: I will journal and think about my life – where I am and where I want to go.

Today: I will celebrate getting through the craziness of the last 18 months and having the courage and strength to start over.

I’ve missed you guys.

Taking Stock

I’ve been in Nevada just over a year now. In some ways, things have never been better in my life. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. My relationship with my husband and son is strong and good. We are making friends and finding our place in the community. I have a challenging and financially rewarding job with amazing benefits and opportunities for growth that stretch ahead of me for potentially decades. We have gotten almost all the way out of the debt that we ran up when I lost my job last year. We have found a house we love and made an offer and feel positive that we’ll get it. My husband and son are healthier and more active as a family than they have ever been. So what’s my problem?
Brutal Honesty
I have gotten further and further away from my goals and my plan for living. I don’t exercise. I don’t sleep. I don’t eat well. I don’t take my vitamins. Result? I have had to buy bigger and bigger clothes. I’m up to 216 pounds (from my lowest of 171). I can do that math. That’s 45 pounds. I lost 150 pounds and now I’ve gained back 1/3 of that.
Excuses, Excuses
There’s a long list of reasons why I got off track. I lost my job; I moved 2500 miles; I was in danger of losing my house; we lost all our savings and ran up thousands of dollars in debt. But when that first happened, I stuck to the plan, stuck to the exercise, kept eating well. For the first six months, I was still on track. It was only in October last year that I started letting all that go. When I hurt my ankle in December, I used that as an excuse to stop doing anything.
But the ankle healed. All the problems above have worked out fine. The outlook is really positive for us. We may even be able to get a great house and move (for the last time??) before the end of the year. I’m getting to travel again, which I love.

So what’s my problem?
There’s a part of my brain that says I just need a break. But I’ve really been “on a break” since October 2010. And that break has gotten bigger and bigger.

Tough Talk
I’ve been pretty lenient with myself. Poor me, I’ve had a hard time; have some bread. Poor me, you are working such long hours; have some chocolate. Poor me, you have no money; skip your workout.
How in the world are those things connected?? What does it matter if I’m going through a tough period or have no money or working long hours? Why does the comfort have to be something that hurts me?
I am dreading going in and getting my blood sugar tested. I am pretty sure it is back out of the normal range. I am dreading my eye exam because my vision has been cloudy lately and I suspect the blood sugar is behind that. Also, some neuropathy in my left foot. How many times do I read about diabetics who lose a toe? Then another? Then a foot? Then the leg? Then they die.
So what does poor me need to do?
Start walking again – TODAY! Then lifting weights. Then swimming. Then biking. Then running. Then some classes to push myself. I know how to do all that. Been there, done that, got the t –shirt.
Start eating right with the very next meal. Focus on vegetables and lean protein and some healthy, whole grain, low GI carbs. Do not drink 30 minutes before or 30 minutes after my meal. Stop eating BEFORE I’m full – when I’m satisfied. Measure my food. Track my food.
Stop working 14 hours a day. No one expects me to. I’m doing it to myself. Get some real sleep.
Go to support groups like Weight Watchers and WLS Group. I skipped the last month (part of that was traveling, the other part was guilt/embarrassment about where I am today and what I’m not doing.
Find a therapist. I might have to go over to Tahoe. Or into Reno. But find a therapist.

Move.
Eat.
Live.
Think.
And start to MELT away this fat I’ve gained.
Whew!
I feel better already.

Just for fun

I created a t-shirt for my godson and his twin brother – and then I had to get one for my son. I’m calling it the Dam Shirt with thanks to Rick Riordan.

Peace Full

I feel as if I have recently returned from a trip to the dark side of the moon. It has been a wild and whacky year. Last year on my birthday (March 16) I lost my job. Thus began a wild, stress filled adventure that involved massive debt, a 2500 mile move and leaving behind friends and family.

That was the down side.

The upside is that right now I’m sitting in the Carson Valley, watching the sun rise over the Sierra’s, enjoying a fire in the fireplace and a cup of coffee while my dogs sleep at my feet. My family is sleeping peacefully, our bills are paid and we see light at the end of the tunnel of debt we accumulated during the transition.

I know I let the stress and craziness derail me, but this last week or so I’ve been getting more active again, paying attention to what I eat and working really, really hard at being “Peace-Full” which is my new mantra.

I am full of peace.

I am peace full.

Peaceful.

Just saying that several times a day seems to make my shoulders relax and allows me to take a deep breath and smile.

It’s been a long, hard and stressful time but now I can look forward to this new life we’re building. With new friends and old friends visiting. A new, demanding and interesting job with amazing team members – I can actually imagine working there until I retire. We’re going house hunting this weekend – nothing perfect out there for us, so we can wait, but sure is fun to start looking and dreaming.

Accountability – Day 2

This is boring, but helpful for me, so apologies to any subscribers who are still reading this!

Yesterday I made a big healthy pot of vegetable, bean and barley soup and when the snacking urge came on, I ate some of the soup or some fruit. Got in more fiber, a bit less protein and more carbs.  Good carbs, but still way too many.

I did no exercise yesterday, unless a commando attack of the kitchen counts.  update: It does! At my current weight of 206 pounds a 60 minute cleaning frenzy burns at least 369 calories. I did put on music and I did work up a sweat.

But who am I kidding? It was a beautiful clear day outside. Never left the house and sat by the fire with tea and coffee reading one book after another.

Yes, I have to have down time. Yes I have to relax or my stress level is going to split my head open. Perhaps literally – an aneurism killed my grandfather. So today I’m just going to get outside and ride my bike. Maybe a couple of hours. So tomorrow I can post my intake and output and they might be even.

This accountability stuff is painful and not a little embarrassing, but necessary.  It’s clear to me that I can lie to myself and say that I’m eating really healthy. But when I actually write it down and add it up, not so pretty. Might be mostly healthy choices, but the portions are crazy and the frequency of eating is almost constantly.

Looking back at when I was losing weight, what I really need to be eating is more like this:

Doesn’t seem like much, but it’s 6 meals of about 200 calories each, very balanced in protein, carbs and fat. Dinner is a bit bigger at 400 calories but very low carb.

To get in shape again, I need to be working out really hard for 90 minutes at least 6 days a week. I just have one of those bodies that don’t seem to notice if I walk 5 miles. But walking 5 miles and lifting weights, that works for me. So why did I not make it to the gym a single day last week? I did pull a groin muscle (showing off in the gym – <sad shake of head>) but that was really over and done with on Wednesday. What was my excuse the rest of the week?

And a correction – on Friday I forgot about an extra breakfast I had after a stressful meeting. Sigh. I actually ate:

Accountability

Yesterday I ate 2291 Calories and only burned 316 walking for an hour at a leisurely 2.5 mph while I watched the last Veronica Mars dvd.

Breakdown:

Need to eat less.Gotta keep tracking. Gotta keep exercising. Need to do more weight lifting.

Exercise is not optional

The funny thing about exercise is that the more I do, the better I eat. Conversely, the less I exercise, the worse I eat. The result is NOT PRETTY.

So I’ve been back in the gym a whole two days now and to keep me going I have posted this over my desk – a little mantra from a November 2010 post:

I don’t have to be inspired

I don’t have to be motivated

I don’t have to feel like it

I don’t have to love it

I just have to do it

Every day.

Yesterday I ran ¾ of the way around the building. Today I ran all the way around the building, then turned around and walked the whole way around again before I went inside.

I like progress. Even tiny, difficult to measure progress.

So – see you in the gym tomorrow!

And the next day.

I almost broke a promise last night

I had to go to the copy shop last night after work. After I dropped off my stuff, I needed to wait half an hour before I could pick it up. So I went next door to the Ross Store. I love Ross. Lots of fun stuff to look at and all really cheap. I browsed through non-stick frying pans since ours are always overused and we can always use a new one. Took a look at the dog toys and stuff but nothing struck me as a Sophie toy. Finally I found myself browsing through the clothes. I gazed at the size 8’s that I ALMOST fit into early last year, passed on to the size 10’s I was wearing back then and then past the 12’s that I was wearing in May and then the 14’s that I could wear in September and that are now so tight that I’m pretty much not breathing all day.

Then I reached out and took a pair of size 16’s off the rack. Nice pants. Good color, loved the cut and the price was only $9.99. Who could beat it??

I found a nice blouse to go with it (large – not medium anymore) and went into the dressing room.

I tried on the blouse and hated it.

I started to take off my boots so I could try on the pants and then just sat down on that little bench that isn’t really designed for sitting and you always think you’re going to slide off or break the bench. You know the one.

So I’m sitting there, one boot partially unzipped and looking at myself in the mirror and I just couldn’t do it.

I promised.

I promised myself.

I promised my son and I promised my husband.

I promised my doctors.

I promised all my family and friends and complete strangers.

I promised that I would NEVER buy bigger clothes.

Absolutely.

Never.

I’d rather be naked, I said.

But there I was, pants in hand. I was so close, but I just couldn’t do it.

So I put them back.

I left the store and picked up my print job.

I went home and I pulled out a dress to wear to work.

Today I started my day with a protein drink. I ate fruit and drank water. At lunch I went to the gym. I warmed up on the elliptical for 20 minutes, then worked out with weights and machines and ab work for 25 minutes and then I tried a very slow jog around the building, outside in the sunshine. I only made it ¾ of the way around the building, but it’s a good starting point and a good goal for next time. In a few minutes I’m going to weight watchers to weigh in. I might have gained, but good or bad, I’m still doing it.

I think that’s much smarter than buying bigger pants, don’t you?

STREEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Don’t you just want to scream sometimes? I just did. Felt pretty good.  Might have a sore throat all day, but worth it. The house is empty except for me and the dogs. The boys drove off early to go skiing with a homeschool group today at Kirkwood – so excited for them.  I’ve been conferencing and walking on my treadmill. Got a little time before my next meeting so I thought I’d try and do a quick blog post. Haven’t done one since I hurt my ankle.

Have to confess I used that as an excuse to sit on my bum for the rest of December and most of January. Not pretty. Pants are becoming a problem since I swore a blood oath that I wouldn’t buy any new, bigger ones. I gave away all my older, bigger ones – 13 sizes worth.

I joined Weight Watchers at work program – have been waiting eagerly for it since I got there in May. I really miss my old group, and I was going (sporadically) to the group that meets in town, but not really feeling it. Not really following the program. Just showing up and weighing.

So we started two weeks ago and I actually lost .2 lbs this week. I thought that was better than a gain (though not by much) but I’m still back over 200 pounds. I could let that make me sad and depressed and keep stress eating (did I ever stop?) but I’m trying to track my points and get in an hour of exercise now that I have no ankle pain as an excuse. (Not that it was a good excuse anyway.)

So where was I? Oh, right. Stress.

I am losing my house. Finally got to the point where we can’t pay for a house here and a house in Atlanta so we have to let the one that we aren’t living in go. Working with the banks and the real estate agents has got to be the most stressful thing in the world. They appear to make it as difficult as possible to screen out people who aren’t desperate.

Example: I called to talk to them about options in September when my husband learned he was going to lose his job. I can do basic math – we would be out of money by December. They wouldn’t consider an application until we were behind on our payments. So I had to wait until January 10th to submit my application.

Example: I downloaded the forms and instructions, filled out all the forms and gathered all the supporting doucments needed and scanned and submitted 36 pages by email. Two days later someone sent me a blank app in return asking me to follow the instructions and send back the completed app with supporting docs to start the process. What? I sent again and two days later – same message. I called and was told that the email process is a little hinky. I should fax. Okay, I faxed it. Didn’t hear anything for a week, so I called to make sure they had it. They didn’t. I Faxed and emailed AGAIN. Waited two days and called back. It wasn’t until early this week that I heard they had it but they considered it incomplete because I hadn’t submitted the offer details. I don’t have an offer. That’s the PROBLEM! So I sent in another letter by fax and email and called. Now I have to wait until February 20th, but I’m probably going to keep calling every few days in case they are waiting for something that they haven’t told me about. Or told me about in a letter sent to Atlanta. Where I don’t live anymore. THAT’S THE PROBLEM!

So that’s my stress. I’m trying to eat apples and nuts and other healthy stuff when I stress eat. The sugar salt cycle is easy to fall back into. But then my pants won’t fit. AT. ALL. (Instead of just being horribly, unflatteringly, uncomfortably TIGHT.)

STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

So I’m on the treadmill. I’m doing weight watchers.

I stopped going to the therapist. I think she’s a little nuts. I mean, when she cleared my aura  the first day, okay, that’s her thing. She had some good ideas and I felt better in a few visits. But last time she was getting mad at me because I wouldn’t consider divorcing my husband. WTF? of course I consider it. Everyone does – daily sometimes. But I usually am able to remind myself that there is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo much more good and great and wonderful than the few annoying things and things we don’t agree on. If we both thought the same, what would be the point of living with someone else? It would be like living with a mirror. Good grief. So if anyone knows of a good therapist in Carson City, Nevada – let me know!

Gotta run – shower and change and jump on my next conference call.

Be good, be happy and remember we will all survive this and be able to bore our grandchildren with stories of the great depression of the 2010′s.

LIFE is good.

Life is GREAT.

Life is FABULOUS!

Whew. I feel better. How about you?