Yesterday I made a big healthy pot of vegetable, bean and barley soup and when the snacking urge came on, I ate some of the soup or some fruit. Got in more fiber, a bit less protein and more carbs.  Good carbs, but still way too many.

I did no exercise yesterday, unless a commando attack of the kitchen counts.  update: It does! At my current weight of 206 pounds a 60 minute cleaning frenzy burns at least 369 calories. I did put on music and I did work up a sweat.

But who am I kidding? It was a beautiful clear day outside. Never left the house and sat by the fire with tea and coffee reading one book after another.

Yes, I have to have down time. Yes I have to relax or my stress level is going to split my head open. Perhaps literally – an aneurism killed my grandfather. So today I’m just going to get outside and ride my bike. Maybe a couple of hours. So tomorrow I can post my intake and output and they might be even.

This accountability stuff is painful and not a little embarrassing, but necessary.  It’s clear to me that I can lie to myself and say that I’m eating really healthy. But when I actually write it down and add it up, not so pretty. Might be mostly healthy choices, but the portions are crazy and the frequency of eating is almost constantly.

Looking back at when I was losing weight, what I really need to be eating is more like this:

Doesn’t seem like much, but it’s 6 meals of about 200 calories each, very balanced in protein, carbs and fat. Dinner is a bit bigger at 400 calories but very low carb.

To get in shape again, I need to be working out really hard for 90 minutes at least 6 days a week. I just have one of those bodies that don’t seem to notice if I walk 5 miles. But walking 5 miles and lifting weights, that works for me. So why did I not make it to the gym a single day last week? I did pull a groin muscle (showing off in the gym – <sad shake of head>) but that was really over and done with on Wednesday. What was my excuse the rest of the week?

And a correction – on Friday I forgot about an extra breakfast I had after a stressful meeting. Sigh. I actually ate:

Breakdown:

Need to eat less.Gotta keep tracking. Gotta keep exercising. Need to do more weight lifting.

So I’ve been back in the gym a whole two days now and to keep me going I have posted this over my desk – a little mantra from a November 2010 post:

I don’t have to be inspired

I don’t have to be motivated

I don’t have to feel like it

I don’t have to love it

I just have to do it

Every day.

Yesterday I ran ¾ of the way around the building. Today I ran all the way around the building, then turned around and walked the whole way around again before I went inside.

I like progress. Even tiny, difficult to measure progress.

So – see you in the gym tomorrow!

And the next day.

I had to go to the copy shop last night after work. After I dropped off my stuff, I needed to wait half an hour before I could pick it up. So I went next door to the Ross Store. I love Ross. Lots of fun stuff to look at and all really cheap. I browsed through non-stick frying pans since ours are always overused and we can always use a new one. Took a look at the dog toys and stuff but nothing struck me as a Sophie toy. Finally I found myself browsing through the clothes. I gazed at the size 8’s that I ALMOST fit into early last year, passed on to the size 10’s I was wearing back then and then past the 12’s that I was wearing in May and then the 14’s that I could wear in September and that are now so tight that I’m pretty much not breathing all day.

Then I reached out and took a pair of size 16’s off the rack. Nice pants. Good color, loved the cut and the price was only $9.99. Who could beat it??

I found a nice blouse to go with it (large – not medium anymore) and went into the dressing room.

I tried on the blouse and hated it.

I started to take off my boots so I could try on the pants and then just sat down on that little bench that isn’t really designed for sitting and you always think you’re going to slide off or break the bench. You know the one.

So I’m sitting there, one boot partially unzipped and looking at myself in the mirror and I just couldn’t do it.

I promised.

I promised myself.

I promised my son and I promised my husband.

I promised my doctors.

I promised all my family and friends and complete strangers.

I promised that I would NEVER buy bigger clothes.

Absolutely.

Never.

I’d rather be naked, I said.

But there I was, pants in hand. I was so close, but I just couldn’t do it.

So I put them back.

I left the store and picked up my print job.

I went home and I pulled out a dress to wear to work.

Today I started my day with a protein drink. I ate fruit and drank water. At lunch I went to the gym. I warmed up on the elliptical for 20 minutes, then worked out with weights and machines and ab work for 25 minutes and then I tried a very slow jog around the building, outside in the sunshine. I only made it ¾ of the way around the building, but it’s a good starting point and a good goal for next time. In a few minutes I’m going to weight watchers to weigh in. I might have gained, but good or bad, I’m still doing it.

I think that’s much smarter than buying bigger pants, don’t you?

Have to confess I used that as an excuse to sit on my bum for the rest of December and most of January. Not pretty. Pants are becoming a problem since I swore a blood oath that I wouldn’t buy any new, bigger ones. I gave away all my older, bigger ones – 13 sizes worth.

I joined Weight Watchers at work program – have been waiting eagerly for it since I got there in May. I really miss my old group, and I was going (sporadically) to the group that meets in town, but not really feeling it. Not really following the program. Just showing up and weighing.

So we started two weeks ago and I actually lost .2 lbs this week. I thought that was better than a gain (though not by much) but I’m still back over 200 pounds. I could let that make me sad and depressed and keep stress eating (did I ever stop?) but I’m trying to track my points and get in an hour of exercise now that I have no ankle pain as an excuse. (Not that it was a good excuse anyway.)

So where was I? Oh, right. Stress.

I am losing my house. Finally got to the point where we can’t pay for a house here and a house in Atlanta so we have to let the one that we aren’t living in go. Working with the banks and the real estate agents has got to be the most stressful thing in the world. They appear to make it as difficult as possible to screen out people who aren’t desperate.

Example: I called to talk to them about options in September when my husband learned he was going to lose his job. I can do basic math – we would be out of money by December. They wouldn’t consider an application until we were behind on our payments. So I had to wait until January 10th to submit my application.

Example: I downloaded the forms and instructions, filled out all the forms and gathered all the supporting doucments needed and scanned and submitted 36 pages by email. Two days later someone sent me a blank app in return asking me to follow the instructions and send back the completed app with supporting docs to start the process. What? I sent again and two days later – same message. I called and was told that the email process is a little hinky. I should fax. Okay, I faxed it. Didn’t hear anything for a week, so I called to make sure they had it. They didn’t. I Faxed and emailed AGAIN. Waited two days and called back. It wasn’t until early this week that I heard they had it but they considered it incomplete because I hadn’t submitted the offer details. I don’t have an offer. That’s the PROBLEM! So I sent in another letter by fax and email and called. Now I have to wait until February 20th, but I’m probably going to keep calling every few days in case they are waiting for something that they haven’t told me about. Or told me about in a letter sent to Atlanta. Where I don’t live anymore. THAT’S THE PROBLEM!

So that’s my stress. I’m trying to eat apples and nuts and other healthy stuff when I stress eat. The sugar salt cycle is easy to fall back into. But then my pants won’t fit. AT. ALL. (Instead of just being horribly, unflatteringly, uncomfortably TIGHT.)

STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

So I’m on the treadmill. I’m doing weight watchers.

I stopped going to the therapist. I think she’s a little nuts. I mean, when she cleared my aura  the first day, okay, that’s her thing. She had some good ideas and I felt better in a few visits. But last time she was getting mad at me because I wouldn’t consider divorcing my husband. WTF? of course I consider it. Everyone does – daily sometimes. But I usually am able to remind myself that there is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo much more good and great and wonderful than the few annoying things and things we don’t agree on. If we both thought the same, what would be the point of living with someone else? It would be like living with a mirror. Good grief. So if anyone knows of a good therapist in Carson City, Nevada – let me know!

Gotta run – shower and change and jump on my next conference call.

Be good, be happy and remember we will all survive this and be able to bore our grandchildren with stories of the great depression of the 2010′s.

LIFE is good.

Life is GREAT.

Life is FABULOUS!

Whew. I feel better. How about you?

I’ve written before about a bad fall I took in Singapore in 2009 – right before I made the final decision to go ahead with gastric bypass. I still remember how that felt. Not just the pain, but the humiliation and embarrassment that my weight added to the event.

Last Sunday I fell down again. But what a difference! I was snowboarding and twisted my ankle. Instead of needing four or five people to help me up and carry me, one tiny (but  tough) ski patrol woman skied me down the mountain. Instead of worrying about how I looked or how heavy I was, I was able to just focus on the injury and getting down from 10k feet back to our car. I was able to hobble with a ski pole and get into the car and walk into the hospital on my own steam. And instead of describing the fall due to just being overweight and out of shape, I get to proudly tap my cast with my cane and say, oh so nonchalantly “snowboarding accident”.

So a few pictures and a word of thanks to Trudy for getting me down safely off the mountain. And for my husband and son for getting me to the hospital and taking such good care of me this past week. We had a lovely holiday, even with the injury and I give you guys all the credit!

For lunch I made a big batch of soup with MORE vegetables: leeks, carrots, potatoes, cabbage, garlic, barley. It came out rich and thick and creamy. Served it for lunch with homemade rye bread.

Now we’re definitely going to need to go snowboarding or hiking to work that off!

Barley and Winter Vegetable Stew

Serves: 8

Prep Time: 25 mintues

Cook Time: 55 minutes

Ingredients

• 4 slices bacon
• 3 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1 tablespoon of olive oil
• 2 cloves of garlic minced
• 4 or 5 medium sized leeks sliced and rinsed thoroughly (use only the white and light green portion, cut off the dark green)
• 1/2 of a large head of cabbage (not red) chopped
• 1 1/2 cups peeled carrots chopped into 1/4 inch pieces
• 2 large baking potatoes scrubbed and diced
• 1 cup barley, rinsed
• 8 cups chicken broth
• 1 teaspoon dry thyme
• 2 bay leaves
• salt and white pepper to taste

Preparation and Cooking

1. Cook the bacon in a large pot over medium-low heat.  When crisp, remove and chop into small pieces.
2. Add the butter and olive oil, then stir in the leeks, garlic and cabbage. Add the bacon back in.
3. Cover and cook until the leaks and cabbage are tender, 15 to 20 minutes.
4. Stir in the broth, potatoes, carrots, barley, thyme, bay leaves, and 1 teaspoon of salt. Bring to a simmer and cook until the potatoes and carrots are tender and the barley is plump – about 45 minutes.
5. Discard bay leaves and season with pepper to taste.

Idea for next time: stir in a can of white beans for more protein.

MAKE CONSISTENTLY HEALTHY FOOD CHOICES

protein first plus a vegetable or fruit

MAINTAIN PORTION CONTROL

forever more in every eating situation

EXERCISE ON A REGULAR BASIS

that means daily

DRINK PLENTY OF WATER THROUGHOUT THE DAY

but not 30 minutes before or after meals

EAT BREAKFAST

protein, protein, protein… doesn’t have to be traditional breakfast food

PLAN YOUR MEALS AND FOLLOW YOUR PLAN

you don’t have to want to… you just have to!

KEEP A FOOD DIARY

it keeps you accountable and is the best way to maintain weight loss

KEEP AN EXERCISE DIARY

it will remind you of all the great hard work you are doing

GET ENOUGH SLEEP

who knew there was a connection between sleep and weight? there is!

UTILIZE A HEALTHY SUPPORT SYSTEM

ObesityHelp.com of course!

PARTICIPATE IN INDIVIDUAL AND/OR GROUP THERAPY

okay… not a daily thing, but a very good idea on a weekly basis

That started me thinking about a re-framing exercise that my therapist had recommended. The idea is to imagine yourself in the future and write about what has happened since the present date. Write your story the way you want it to unfold. She believes that this is a very powerful tool and has had amazing results with it. So here goes:

April 15, 2014

Happy Tax Day everyone! Hope you got your taxes filed or at least your extension. After all those years of procrastinating, it’s been nice the last few years to have my taxes done in November every year so that I can do any paper work and juggling recommended to avoid paying unnecessary taxes. Now that we are making so much money, that’s particularly important. My writing career has just taken off and my husband’s android apps are unbelievably popular! We would like to put as much money back into the business as we can, so that we can continue to hire more people. We like that we’re contributing to the local economy and giving people the opportunity to work. Having our own company is Fred’s dream come true and he’s worked so hard and deserves all the success because he never gave up on that dream.  I have to give my friend’s James and Jenny credit for my writing success  – they showed me that it could be done and really inspired me. Hat’s off, guys!

Did everyone see the lunar eclipse this morning? It was just beautiful. I think I liked it even more this time because we were enjoying it from our beautiful patio in our very own home. The last eclipse was back in December of 2011 and we saw that from the old rental up on Stephanie Way. We had a good start on our life out West in that house, but I have to admit, having our own house, with lots of spare bedrooms for all the guests we’ve had is terrific. I love my kitchen here and the tons of cabinet space. For the first time EVER all my kitchen gadgets and books are unpacked and I can actually get to them. My office is truly amazing – lots of bookcase space, a fireplace and a view of the mountains to inspire my writing. Couldn’t ask for anything better.

My husband and son are loving their homeschooling space – big windows overlooking the gardens and the mountains in the background and lots of desk and storage space. They even have cabinets and tables for projects, so they can keep their desk space cleared. They are just about to finish the last level of Barton program for dyslexia. It’s hard to imagine that our son ever had a problem reading. He’s now 12, super tall and an amazing writer who loves to read and is constantly surprising me with something he’s learned or done.

That’s when he’s not out snow boarding and making my heart stop with all the snowboard tricks that he does. He’s always safe, but he and my husband are lunatics on the snow, in my opinion! We’ve all gotten better and better, now that we are in such good shape. We ski and snowboard in the winter, along with telemarking, snowshoeing and winter hiking and camping. Who would have thought that the couch-potatoes from Atlanta would be such outdoor people? My son is just shooting up in height these days – I have to keep letting the hem out on his pants!

Our old dog, Scrappy, isn’t interested in going with us, and prefers spending her days by the fire. She’s almost 16 now but still going strong. Sophie at four years old is the best snow dog in the world and loves to swim and run and bike and hike with us in the summer.  The last time we took the sail boat out she kept jumping in and soaking all of us when she came out and shook off her fur. My son just laughed like a loon every time. I love to hear that.

There were so many days when we first moved out here that laughing together was one of the things that kept us going. Learning my new job (which is great by the way – just got a wonderful review and a raise – how’s that for progress? And I’m busy learning about a new project that I’ll be working on next month. Can’t wait!) and trying to make new friends was hard. Now it seems that with old friends flying out to visit and new friends to see here, we have to work to find time with just the three of us.

Speaking of which, the boys were gone on a boy scout trip this weekend, so I spent the the time going through papers and cleaning out my desk. I came across the packet of closing papers for our house and the final pictures we took before we turned over the keys for the last time. I’d forgotten all about Steve – he was such a wonderful property manager for us. Upscale Staging was really the secret of our success in selling the house. He kept it beautifully staged and decorated and gave it that lived in, loved feeling that made the new family fall in love with it the minute they came into the warmth that cold January day. I know it was our lucky day! No one believed that we could sell the house for what we owed on it, but we knew what a wonderful house it was and that it was just waiting for the right family to come along.  It was only a few months before we were able to buy this house.

I thought it would take us much longer to find our dream house, but this house came on the market and the owners were just as motivated to sell as we’d been so we got our big 3500 square foot house, with guest house, huge three car garage, workshop and greenhouse, with 20 acres, a pond and a trout stream for under $400k! I couldn’t believe we’d find something so close to work and convenient to the ski resort that had all these beautiful trees AND water rights. Sometimes I want to pinch myself because everything just seems to be going right for us. My husband keeps reminding me that we earned it by working so hard and I know he’s right.

But after all those months in the rental house, it was almost like a dream, that first Saturday morning in this house, waking up, making pancakes for breakfast and sitting over coffee in the new breakfast nook, looking out over the lawn and the pond, making plans for unpacking all our stuff and getting the garden started. Even the timing was perfect that first year! We moved in May, just in time to get the kitchen garden started with the greenhouse covering and then we built the chicken pen. Or was it the goats first? I can’t remember now, but I do remember learning to gather eggs, make goat milk yogurt and cheese and how much work it was, but how much fun, too. I had to laugh the first time we sat down to a meal of an omelet with vegetables and we had grown everything but the rye for the bread – it felt like being on an episode of Little House on the Prairie!

Well, I need to run drop off the new truck for it’s first service before I go to work, so I’ll wrap up for now. Have a great day!

Darling Fage, I love you so.

Let me count the ways:

- A dollop with splenda instead of whipped cream

- Mixed into tuna or salmon with seasonings to make sandwiches instead of mayo

- Replacing sour cream in every recipe and to top potatoes or Mexican food

- Added to shakes and smoothies for rich, creamy taste and extra protein without fat

- Rich and creamy desserts – just add fruit and splenda

- To make amazing rye bread (see previous post)

Ah. Love.