I created a t-shirt for my godson and his twin brother – and then I had to get one for my son. I’m calling it the Dam Shirt with thanks to Rick Riordan.

That was the down side.

The upside is that right now I’m sitting in the Carson Valley, watching the sun rise over the Sierra’s, enjoying a fire in the fireplace and a cup of coffee while my dogs sleep at my feet. My family is sleeping peacefully, our bills are paid and we see light at the end of the tunnel of debt we accumulated during the transition.

I know I let the stress and craziness derail me, but this last week or so I’ve been getting more active again, paying attention to what I eat and working really, really hard at being “Peace-Full” which is my new mantra.

I am full of peace.

I am peace full.

Peaceful.

Just saying that several times a day seems to make my shoulders relax and allows me to take a deep breath and smile.

It’s been a long, hard and stressful time but now I can look forward to this new life we’re building. With new friends and old friends visiting. A new, demanding and interesting job with amazing team members – I can actually imagine working there until I retire. We’re going house hunting this weekend – nothing perfect out there for us, so we can wait, but sure is fun to start looking and dreaming.

Yesterday I made a big healthy pot of vegetable, bean and barley soup and when the snacking urge came on, I ate some of the soup or some fruit. Got in more fiber, a bit less protein and more carbs.  Good carbs, but still way too many.

I did no exercise yesterday, unless a commando attack of the kitchen counts.  update: It does! At my current weight of 206 pounds a 60 minute cleaning frenzy burns at least 369 calories. I did put on music and I did work up a sweat.

But who am I kidding? It was a beautiful clear day outside. Never left the house and sat by the fire with tea and coffee reading one book after another.

Yes, I have to have down time. Yes I have to relax or my stress level is going to split my head open. Perhaps literally – an aneurism killed my grandfather. So today I’m just going to get outside and ride my bike. Maybe a couple of hours. So tomorrow I can post my intake and output and they might be even.

This accountability stuff is painful and not a little embarrassing, but necessary.  It’s clear to me that I can lie to myself and say that I’m eating really healthy. But when I actually write it down and add it up, not so pretty. Might be mostly healthy choices, but the portions are crazy and the frequency of eating is almost constantly.

Looking back at when I was losing weight, what I really need to be eating is more like this:

Doesn’t seem like much, but it’s 6 meals of about 200 calories each, very balanced in protein, carbs and fat. Dinner is a bit bigger at 400 calories but very low carb.

To get in shape again, I need to be working out really hard for 90 minutes at least 6 days a week. I just have one of those bodies that don’t seem to notice if I walk 5 miles. But walking 5 miles and lifting weights, that works for me. So why did I not make it to the gym a single day last week? I did pull a groin muscle (showing off in the gym – <sad shake of head>) but that was really over and done with on Wednesday. What was my excuse the rest of the week?

And a correction – on Friday I forgot about an extra breakfast I had after a stressful meeting. Sigh. I actually ate:

Breakdown:

Need to eat less.Gotta keep tracking. Gotta keep exercising. Need to do more weight lifting.

So I’ve been back in the gym a whole two days now and to keep me going I have posted this over my desk – a little mantra from a November 2010 post:

I don’t have to be inspired

I don’t have to be motivated

I don’t have to feel like it

I don’t have to love it

I just have to do it

Every day.

Yesterday I ran ¾ of the way around the building. Today I ran all the way around the building, then turned around and walked the whole way around again before I went inside.

I like progress. Even tiny, difficult to measure progress.

So – see you in the gym tomorrow!

And the next day.

I had to go to the copy shop last night after work. After I dropped off my stuff, I needed to wait half an hour before I could pick it up. So I went next door to the Ross Store. I love Ross. Lots of fun stuff to look at and all really cheap. I browsed through non-stick frying pans since ours are always overused and we can always use a new one. Took a look at the dog toys and stuff but nothing struck me as a Sophie toy. Finally I found myself browsing through the clothes. I gazed at the size 8’s that I ALMOST fit into early last year, passed on to the size 10’s I was wearing back then and then past the 12’s that I was wearing in May and then the 14’s that I could wear in September and that are now so tight that I’m pretty much not breathing all day.

Then I reached out and took a pair of size 16’s off the rack. Nice pants. Good color, loved the cut and the price was only $9.99. Who could beat it??

I found a nice blouse to go with it (large – not medium anymore) and went into the dressing room.

I tried on the blouse and hated it.

I started to take off my boots so I could try on the pants and then just sat down on that little bench that isn’t really designed for sitting and you always think you’re going to slide off or break the bench. You know the one.

So I’m sitting there, one boot partially unzipped and looking at myself in the mirror and I just couldn’t do it.

I promised.

I promised myself.

I promised my son and I promised my husband.

I promised my doctors.

I promised all my family and friends and complete strangers.

I promised that I would NEVER buy bigger clothes.

Absolutely.

Never.

I’d rather be naked, I said.

But there I was, pants in hand. I was so close, but I just couldn’t do it.

So I put them back.

I left the store and picked up my print job.

I went home and I pulled out a dress to wear to work.

Today I started my day with a protein drink. I ate fruit and drank water. At lunch I went to the gym. I warmed up on the elliptical for 20 minutes, then worked out with weights and machines and ab work for 25 minutes and then I tried a very slow jog around the building, outside in the sunshine. I only made it ¾ of the way around the building, but it’s a good starting point and a good goal for next time. In a few minutes I’m going to weight watchers to weigh in. I might have gained, but good or bad, I’m still doing it.

I think that’s much smarter than buying bigger pants, don’t you?

Have to confess I used that as an excuse to sit on my bum for the rest of December and most of January. Not pretty. Pants are becoming a problem since I swore a blood oath that I wouldn’t buy any new, bigger ones. I gave away all my older, bigger ones – 13 sizes worth.

I joined Weight Watchers at work program – have been waiting eagerly for it since I got there in May. I really miss my old group, and I was going (sporadically) to the group that meets in town, but not really feeling it. Not really following the program. Just showing up and weighing.

So we started two weeks ago and I actually lost .2 lbs this week. I thought that was better than a gain (though not by much) but I’m still back over 200 pounds. I could let that make me sad and depressed and keep stress eating (did I ever stop?) but I’m trying to track my points and get in an hour of exercise now that I have no ankle pain as an excuse. (Not that it was a good excuse anyway.)

So where was I? Oh, right. Stress.

I am losing my house. Finally got to the point where we can’t pay for a house here and a house in Atlanta so we have to let the one that we aren’t living in go. Working with the banks and the real estate agents has got to be the most stressful thing in the world. They appear to make it as difficult as possible to screen out people who aren’t desperate.

Example: I called to talk to them about options in September when my husband learned he was going to lose his job. I can do basic math – we would be out of money by December. They wouldn’t consider an application until we were behind on our payments. So I had to wait until January 10th to submit my application.

Example: I downloaded the forms and instructions, filled out all the forms and gathered all the supporting doucments needed and scanned and submitted 36 pages by email. Two days later someone sent me a blank app in return asking me to follow the instructions and send back the completed app with supporting docs to start the process. What? I sent again and two days later – same message. I called and was told that the email process is a little hinky. I should fax. Okay, I faxed it. Didn’t hear anything for a week, so I called to make sure they had it. They didn’t. I Faxed and emailed AGAIN. Waited two days and called back. It wasn’t until early this week that I heard they had it but they considered it incomplete because I hadn’t submitted the offer details. I don’t have an offer. That’s the PROBLEM! So I sent in another letter by fax and email and called. Now I have to wait until February 20th, but I’m probably going to keep calling every few days in case they are waiting for something that they haven’t told me about. Or told me about in a letter sent to Atlanta. Where I don’t live anymore. THAT’S THE PROBLEM!

So that’s my stress. I’m trying to eat apples and nuts and other healthy stuff when I stress eat. The sugar salt cycle is easy to fall back into. But then my pants won’t fit. AT. ALL. (Instead of just being horribly, unflatteringly, uncomfortably TIGHT.)

STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

So I’m on the treadmill. I’m doing weight watchers.

I stopped going to the therapist. I think she’s a little nuts. I mean, when she cleared my aura  the first day, okay, that’s her thing. She had some good ideas and I felt better in a few visits. But last time she was getting mad at me because I wouldn’t consider divorcing my husband. WTF? of course I consider it. Everyone does – daily sometimes. But I usually am able to remind myself that there is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo much more good and great and wonderful than the few annoying things and things we don’t agree on. If we both thought the same, what would be the point of living with someone else? It would be like living with a mirror. Good grief. So if anyone knows of a good therapist in Carson City, Nevada – let me know!

Gotta run – shower and change and jump on my next conference call.

Be good, be happy and remember we will all survive this and be able to bore our grandchildren with stories of the great depression of the 2010′s.

LIFE is good.

Life is GREAT.

Life is FABULOUS!

Whew. I feel better. How about you?

I’ve written before about a bad fall I took in Singapore in 2009 – right before I made the final decision to go ahead with gastric bypass. I still remember how that felt. Not just the pain, but the humiliation and embarrassment that my weight added to the event.

Last Sunday I fell down again. But what a difference! I was snowboarding and twisted my ankle. Instead of needing four or five people to help me up and carry me, one tiny (but  tough) ski patrol woman skied me down the mountain. Instead of worrying about how I looked or how heavy I was, I was able to just focus on the injury and getting down from 10k feet back to our car. I was able to hobble with a ski pole and get into the car and walk into the hospital on my own steam. And instead of describing the fall due to just being overweight and out of shape, I get to proudly tap my cast with my cane and say, oh so nonchalantly “snowboarding accident”.

So a few pictures and a word of thanks to Trudy for getting me down safely off the mountain. And for my husband and son for getting me to the hospital and taking such good care of me this past week. We had a lovely holiday, even with the injury and I give you guys all the credit!

For lunch I made a big batch of soup with MORE vegetables: leeks, carrots, potatoes, cabbage, garlic, barley. It came out rich and thick and creamy. Served it for lunch with homemade rye bread.

Now we’re definitely going to need to go snowboarding or hiking to work that off!

Barley and Winter Vegetable Stew

Serves: 8

Prep Time: 25 mintues

Cook Time: 55 minutes

Ingredients

• 4 slices bacon
• 3 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1 tablespoon of olive oil
• 2 cloves of garlic minced
• 4 or 5 medium sized leeks sliced and rinsed thoroughly (use only the white and light green portion, cut off the dark green)
• 1/2 of a large head of cabbage (not red) chopped
• 1 1/2 cups peeled carrots chopped into 1/4 inch pieces
• 2 large baking potatoes scrubbed and diced
• 1 cup barley, rinsed
• 8 cups chicken broth
• 1 teaspoon dry thyme
• 2 bay leaves
• salt and white pepper to taste

Preparation and Cooking

1. Cook the bacon in a large pot over medium-low heat.  When crisp, remove and chop into small pieces.
2. Add the butter and olive oil, then stir in the leeks, garlic and cabbage. Add the bacon back in.
3. Cover and cook until the leaks and cabbage are tender, 15 to 20 minutes.
4. Stir in the broth, potatoes, carrots, barley, thyme, bay leaves, and 1 teaspoon of salt. Bring to a simmer and cook until the potatoes and carrots are tender and the barley is plump – about 45 minutes.
5. Discard bay leaves and season with pepper to taste.

Idea for next time: stir in a can of white beans for more protein.

MAKE CONSISTENTLY HEALTHY FOOD CHOICES

protein first plus a vegetable or fruit

MAINTAIN PORTION CONTROL

forever more in every eating situation

EXERCISE ON A REGULAR BASIS

that means daily

DRINK PLENTY OF WATER THROUGHOUT THE DAY

but not 30 minutes before or after meals

EAT BREAKFAST

protein, protein, protein… doesn’t have to be traditional breakfast food

PLAN YOUR MEALS AND FOLLOW YOUR PLAN

you don’t have to want to… you just have to!

KEEP A FOOD DIARY

it keeps you accountable and is the best way to maintain weight loss

KEEP AN EXERCISE DIARY

it will remind you of all the great hard work you are doing

GET ENOUGH SLEEP

who knew there was a connection between sleep and weight? there is!

UTILIZE A HEALTHY SUPPORT SYSTEM

ObesityHelp.com of course!

PARTICIPATE IN INDIVIDUAL AND/OR GROUP THERAPY

okay… not a daily thing, but a very good idea on a weekly basis