A lot of weight loss coaches talk about the what the fuck moment. You’re going along, doing great, and then you look up and realize it’s been 18 months since you were even in sight of the track, much less on track.

May 18, 2018 I wrote It’s just a number and noted that my current weight was 189 and my next goal was 169.

What the fuck?
This week I got on the scale for the first time since September LAST year and I’m back up to the comfortable, old familiar 270’s. This is the weight at which I get to sick of myself, that I’m finally motivated to do something.

My sister, Marie, happened to recommend Corrine Crabtree’s Phit-n-Phat podcasts, which are hilarious. She’s southern and she’s got a potty mouth and she’s all about starting where you are and making 1% changes. So my first 24 hour plan included ice cream twice in one day. Which was an improvement.

So that’s what the fuck happened. My Dad died. I had a ton of unresolved issues and feelings and adding grief on top of that, plus dealing with the family funeral was apparently too much for my snowflake self. I started what I’m going to call grief eating in the airport in Atlanta and never stopped for a year.

I’ve been trying to get back on track. I do one thing or another. Walking. Stopping the flour and sugar addiction. But it is slow going.

I finally got the nerve to FIND my scale this week and there it was. 273. I gained 84 pounds in 19 months. I am sorry to say, that’s not even a record for me. I once gained 120 pounds in 12 months.

I’ve done way too much therapy to NOT admit there’s something that gets triggered in my head. A fear, an anxiety about getting to a healthy body size.

So back on the horse. Or aboard the wagon. Or crawling along the track.

But I refuse to give up forever. I’m almost 60. I figure I have another few dozen attempts left, so why not?

Still making progress but slowly. Lots of travel this month so I was only focusing on eating the right things. I am almost always eating them at the right time but not always and still struggling on quantity. That’s always where I fall down on this program – eating between meals (occasionally) and eating more than I should or not measuring so not having any idea if I’m eating the right amounts. During my trip I had a lot of “grain” servings at lunch and dinner, which is what we do when we get to maintenance weight. So no surprise, really, that I didn’t lose any weight. A nice surprise that I didn’t GAIN any weight. And now that I’m home, I’m working hard on re-entry so I lost 2 pounds this week. Despite that, I’m feeling very nervous and have lost my peace with the food. The reasons for this are obvious:

1. Not writing down my food plan at night
2. Not committing my food plan to my buddy
3. Haven’t made it to a Master Mind call in two weeks (one tomorrow! Yay!)
4. Have been constantly changing my food plan to the point where I am struggling with what the hell to eat
5. Have stopped doing my daily checklist and have still not gotten back to it
6. I broke my bright lines on Tuesday (one small NMF but still….lots of cravings and craziness the rest of the day)

The plan is:

• Ask for a Bright Line sponsor (done)
• Go back to the basics on the food plan and stop tinkering with what works
• Write down today’s food and tomorrows
• Commit my food to my buddy and my sponsor
• Dig out my checklist and start doing it
• Mastermind call tomorrow
• Go back to WLS basics: eat slow, chew well, no drinks with meals, take my vitamins, drink my water,
• Go back to the pool
• Start blogging again (done!)

I can do this. Again. And again. Until I don’t need to start over anymore because I’ll be living the life I deserve.

Weight: 206.2 lbs – next goal is 199.9 so 6.3 pounds to go.

Another three weeks and I am still making progress. Steady weight loss but also steady improvement in overall happiness and well being which may be more important!

Today I am wearing size 16 pants and weigh 215. I am 17 pounds from my next goal which is Onderland – meaning under 200 pounds. 199.9 will work!

I’ve been shopping and buying a few key items in size 16, 14, 12 and 10. When I get to 12 I might buy a few 8’s – how crazy is that? Also believe I saved some smaller clothes out in the garage. Will have to figure this out soon.

On the non-weight side of life – I dyed my hair blue this week. The spray on kind which thank goodness washed right out as advertised.

It was so much fun! Skinny jeans, chunky high heeled boots and a blue sweatshirt that says “Trust me, I’m a Jedi”.

Things at the Greenhouse are going well. Got a consulting gig or two to make some real money (gotta buy smaller pants!).

Going to celebrate my birthday and 100+ days on BLE with a visit to London. Can’t wait to see my friends!! 

It’s hard to believe that tomorrow will begin my 7th week eating with Bright Lines. I have lost 15 pounds. Dropped another 2 full sizes. In the world of yo-yo dieting where I once owned property and held a high office, that’s nothing.

But in the world I live in now – no dieting, no binging, no whacking off parts of your body to make the scale move – that’s just short of a miracle. Doing that since Thanksgiving? Through two trips cross country 4 airport days), two weddings and assorted rehearsal and other family events, two big holiday parties, Hannukah, New Year’s Eve party and New Year’s Day dinner? Miraculous seems just  right.  (Until you know the science!)

The biggest, bestest part of all is that I feel amazing. Energetic after so long forcing myself to move. Clear headed from the brain fog that has started to lift. My memory is improving.

My mood is also up – so up I had to reduce my SAD meds and then titrated right down and off them. First time in 20 years I haven’t been medicated for New Year’s. (And not suicidal…but HAPPY!)

I am rarely hungry. My biggest problem is eating all the food  – awesome, fabulous food – that I am supposed to eat. My second biggest problem is not jumping into an exercise program, because we are not supposed to until we pass the 90 day detox mark. (Unless you were already doing regular exercise.)

Yep. Doctor says “Don’t exercise. It will impede your weight loss.” Whoa!!!

I am using my energy to start digging out from under the staggering clutter that has built up in my house.

Cleared out my closet yesterday. Selling or donating a 3 foot high stack of clothes that are now too big.

So – when your current New Year’s plan starts to falter, we are here for you!  The plan is simple (though for some reason people think this is more extreme than weight loss surgery):

1. No sugar and no sweeteners of any kind, natural, artificial – nothing sweet but fruit.

2. No flour of any kind. No healthy non-gluten flour. Whole grains, yes, but just for breakfast during weight loss phase.

3. Three meals a day. Period. Full stop. 5-6 hours apart. No snacks. This one was harder for me than the other two!

4. Weigh all your food on a digital scale. (While traveling, I did the one plate method where you pile up your salad and vegetables, add one piece of fruit, a card deck size amount of protein and. Thumb tip amount of fat.

I did the 14 day challenge – lost 7 pounds. Went on a 3 day binge and regained 3. (Thus helping to convince myself that my brain and body are addicted to flour and sugar.) Started the 8 week boot camp on December 20th. I am halfway through week 3. Have a wonderful Facebook group for support. Have daily coaching modules from Dr. Susan Peirce Thompson (my hero). I eat beautiful meals filled with flavor and texture and color. And now that I am home and the holidays are over, I am losing about a pound a day.

And you know what? I don’t care if it slows to a pound a month. This feels RIGHT.

I have been struggling with my Alienware laptop for over a year. One repair after another. Service techs to the house. Walking us through dismantle and repair. Shipping it back to Dell. Just arrived again – for the 3rd time – today and it doesn’t work right out of the box. $2800 for a laptop that stops working every few weeks is ridiculous. We purchased premium support which we we’re assured would help, but am getting the run around – big time. When I suggested it was time for a refund, they generously offered to replace it – finally! No thanks you. For what? Another year of stress??

Update: after dealing with a complete jerk in executive support for a few weeks, I took to social media and filed a police report with the Houston Police. Then I called CSAT, who owns the CATS repair Depot in Houston. I called and left messages for every single member of the executive team there.

On Thursday a wonderful woman from support at Dell called and arranged for a replacement drive to be installed on Friday. The laptop is working as of 3pm Friday.

Thank you, Linda Kelly and all the great folks at CSAT who escalated the call.

Except for the “honeymoon” period after weight loss surgery, I have never lost weight so easily without drugs. The Bright Line Eating style has kept me losing steadily for two weeks now – 9.4 pounds in 13 days. I am not hungry. I am not craving. I am not obsessing about what I can’t eat. I am not cheating or even very tempted to do so.

It seems too simple. Too inexpensive. I had weight loss surgery (and complications) that cost over $70k. I lost 151 pounds but gained all but 40 back. I have spent thousands of dollars more in the last 40 years on diets and programs and books and food and supplements and trainers and gym memberships and so on and so on, ad nauseum.

I paid $17 for the book. I splurged and paid $29 for a two week challenge to get a more detailed meal plan. I may save up and do the 8 week boot camp for $400.

But maybe not. I might not need it.

Less than $500, easy weight loss and serenity with food – that is a pretty good deal. 

After just 5 days following the 4 BLE mantras, I feel AMAZING. My mood is sky high and I’ve got energy to burn. Plus, I lost 4.4 pounds in five days.

Despite my fears, I did manage to eat just 3 meals a day, no snacking and had no real issues. I did get hungry, and that freaks out my lizard brain, but the cognitive part of my brain shut it up. It really helped with all of Dr. Susan Pierce Thompson’s book in my head so I understood the root of that fear.

The hardest stretch for me is post-dinner about 7 PM to break-fast at 6:30. I wake up REALLY early, like 4 AM, so waiting to eat until 6:30 PM is very hard for me. I plan to try to sip water, herbal tea and read or write or hey – I could even get some chores done!

This morning brought back excellent memories of my post-bariatric life: making the week’s oatmeal. The scent of the cooking apples and cinnamon and the creamy texture of the steel cut oats and peanut butter made me feel very happy and peaceful. It was what I imagine the aftermath of a victorious battle would be – wounded, but at peace with the outcome and proud to have made it this far.

It’s more than a little heartbreaking that I have been battling food and my weight for over forty years.

40!

FORTY!

Okay. Moving on.

Clearly I’ve gotten a lot more sane about it with help from so many groups and so many special people – particularly Dr. Rebecca Moore who I miss every day. But the war continues to rage. Right now, we have a shaky armistice that may or may not hold.  I truly don’t know if Bright Line Eating will be the answer forever, but for today, it’s a really hopeful option.

BLE Five Day Oatmeal:

• Bring to a boil:
  • 3 cups of water
  • 1 tsp salt (I like Himalaya Pink)
  • 1 tablespoon of cinnamon
  • 5 apples (30 oz) chopped (1 fruit for each day)
• Add:
  • 5 oz (dry measure) of Steel Cut Oats (1 oz grain for each day)
  • 2.5 ounces all natural peanut butter (1/2 the protein for each day)
• Reduce heat and simmer for 20 minutes
• Start checking for your desired consistency (I like mine a bit chewy so 24 minutes)

Divide into 5 equal portions and refrigerate when cool. When you eat it, heat for 30 seconds in the microwave and add 1 oz of raw pecans or other nut/seed to each serving to get the other half of your protein serving.

Enjoy!