Midnight of the Soul – August 25, 2009

It is 32 hours until my surgery. I have researched and planned and am coming to the end of my pre-op to do list. I think I’ve read every post on the bariatriceating.com board and six full length books on the subject. I’ve watched Youtube videos of the surgery, read countless websites and medical journals. I’ve bought and tested protein and chewable vitamins. I ordered a treadmill so I can walk after the surgery (no excuses about it’s too hot, it’s raining, it’s dark, etc, etc). I cleaned and organized my whole house. I wrapped up my job and I’m out for two weeks to focus on the surgery and recovery. I’ve lined up family to come and stay to help out with my son and even a “babysitter” for my husband during the surgery. I’ve gassed the car, stocked up on everything we might need for the next two weeks.  I even started seeing a therapist today so I can try and deal with the mental aspects of losing all this insulation I’ve been hoarding for so long.

I know that I should be in bed, sleeping. I don’t want to be overly tired going into the surgery. But I’ve been on clear liquids for over 24 hours and I’m a little hungry, I slosh when I walk and I have to pee every five minutes. But…I am second guessing all my decisions, which seems to be normal from the posts I’ve read. I guess my biggest concern is that there aren’t any NEGATIVE posts on this board. Are they all deleted? I find it hard to believe that no one ever felt like this was the worst thing they ever did to themselves. Right now, I want to read THOSE posts and try to feel as if I’ve given equal research time to positive and negative opinions.

Second thoughts I’ve lost 9 inches off my stomach in the last year; I’ve lost over 33 pounds; I’ve exercised 30 out of the last 36 days. So why do I need WLS? Why can’t I just keep doing this? If I can imagine success with the surgery, why can’t I imagine it without the surgery? Am I doing it to look good? Or am I really doing it for my health? What right do I have to risk my life when I have a 7 year old child and a husband who need me in their lives? If I do this, should I have the sleeve instead, even though my insurance won’t pay for it? Should I go with the band so I can have it reversed someday?

Deep breath in. Slow breath out. I’m going to go back to bed and listen to my guided imagery for surgery. Maybe Bella Ruth can put me to sleep! Good night and thanks for listening to me whine.

Originally published on bariatriceating.com

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