Writing my way out of the drive way – November 16, 2009

Pain For the last two days I have been craving fried foods. I cooked and ate fried okra last night and fried fish. This morning I had gallbladder pain and went to the doctor. I have to go back in the morning for an ultrasound that is going to cost me over $700.

And yet – I want more! I want French fries. I want fried hamburger with crispy edges and I can have it. All I have to do is drive over to the restaurant and get it. I could go through the McDonald’s drive thru. I can call the Brewery and order a meal and go pick it up at the curb – I don’t even have to go inside. So easy. So simple. So quick.

Options But I can also choose not to do it. I can sip my cup of coffee and nibble on my whole wheat crackers (NB: it was the wheat crackers that were making me crave carbs!). I can drink a big glass of water and take my vitamins and calcium. I can take a walk. I can do some work. I can write emails or call my sisters and friends. I can write my way out of this crisis. I can do all of these things.

Freedom Or I can do all these things and still have some French fries. It is MY choice. No one is responsible for me. No one but me can make this choice. And this is the choice I have to make every day. I’m not locked up on a ranch like the Biggest Losers. I am not strapped to a hospital bed, dependent on someone to feed me. I am in charge. And I say “I can have French fries”.

But what does that mean? Does it mean “I’ll take care of me; I’ll do what is right for me? I’ll make sure I am healthy?” Or does it mean “I am weak. I can’t survive this without giving in. I have to eat French fries, I know that I do.” Is it okay that I give myself what makes me happy? I’ll feed that emptiness inside me that is crying out for food. Greasy food that makes me feel a little sick; that may even cause me pain and make me get sick or need more surgery. Is that really happiness?

WHY? So, I have to ask ask myself, Self – why do you want the French fries? Are you hungry? Nope. Had a snack. (some coffee and whole wheat crackers). Self, do you need more healthy fat in your diet? Maybe I had gotten too low in fat – so I can add in some healthier fat – but not more than 30% of calories per day.

Decisions I can have some peanuts – good, healthy snack, with plenty of fat. Oh look – there are some in the vending machine right there. Or maybe this is all emotional – you are worried about your job and your budget and weight loss slowing down and hair falling out and 1000 other things.

Choices So – will I do all of this and then still have the French fries? I don’t know. But its my choice. It was always my choice. Suddenly the urgency is gone. My mind has stopped screaming French fries and is curiously quiet. Exhausted, yet victorious. Without french fries.

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