So what is it about progress that wakes up my demons and gets them fighting me every step of the way?
After all this time and all the changes and I feel like I’ve slipped back towards my morbidly obese lifestyle.
I am struggling to get ANY exercise in. Yesterday I swam a half mile. Today I am going to run the couch to 5k week 2 podcast – finally.
I am eating stuff I don’t need and don’t want and don’t enjoy. What is that about? I keep trying to do a couple of days of protein to clear out the carb cravings and make it to lunch and then veer off path towards something horrible. Today I’m trying again. Sipping a nice summer melon protein drink. After this I’m going to pack up my vitamins for the week (late) and package up some scoops of protein for work. I’m also going to take a healthy backup for lunch in case I can’t stick to the protein. At least I won’t be eating the fried fish and french fries from the ecoli cafe downstairs. Barf. I finally made myself clear off the table so I could sit down and eat at the table instead of in front of the tv. I KNOW how bad that is. It just makes me feel unsatisfied and I snack. Snack. Snack.
My brain is on overdrive. I feel like my thoughts are doing loops and figure eights and none of it is pleasant. I keep having nightmares and daymares about doing all kinds of stupid things that I really WOULD NOT DO. But my head keeps going there. I must be pumping cortisol out by the gallon. Stress! Stress! I finally made myself sit down and pay the bills. Late. So I went ahead and paid the August ones so I’d be ahead. Finally mailed in the eform for my 2009 taxes. Late but done. Now I just need to mail the corporate taxes and I’ll be done with that. Finally! And before my extension expires. That is good. Need to run by the bank and the post office before Friday. Sigh. It never ends. And ignoring it just is a way to create stress and drama when I swear, all I want to do is focus on exercising and eating right and reaching my goals.
I’ve called in some support. I let my husband know I was struggling and Rebecca More, my weight loss therapist. We’re both going to see her tomorrow. Then I’m going to start meeting with her every week again.
My weight watchers group has disbanded. I’m trying desperately to get a new one set up, but failing miserably. That’s freaking me out. That was my best and most consistent accountability. Three years now I’ve been going. Every week with only a few misses. I NEED that. I’m going to have to start going at another time and place and a new group and a new leader. I hate that. But I can do it. And I will.
It’s like there are two people in my head and they are battling it out for custody over my body. Good Karen signed up for boot camp which starts on August 2nd – that’s next Monday. Bad Karen ate three pieces of pizza on Saturday and drank coke. Good Karen registered for a 5k on August 26th. Bad Karen stopped paying the bills and doing the paper work life requires to be smooth and calm. Good Karen asked to increase her therapy sessions until the crisis is past. Bad Karen is pissed. Good Karen asked Fred to go with her to therapy so Bad Karen can’t lie. Bad Karen is running scare.
I like that! Good Karen will continue to fight harder. If I have to FORCE myself to do what is right and best for my body, then I will. If this is war, then watch out Bad Karen. I’m armed and dangerous. You may take a few skirmishes, but this war is MINE.
PS: Fred just pointed out that I blogged my way through my exercise time. Wow. Bad Karen is sneaky. Gonna be late to work today.