In May of 2010 I started writing about my road to weight loss surgery and getting healthy. I’ve been on that road for almost 40 years. It’s been an up and down journey. I’m not particularly proud of where I am right now, but I’ve been in worse shape. This week I started AGAIN. I know that no matter how long and how far I slide, I will start over. And over and over. I will never give up, because that means giving up on not just myself, but my family and friends who supported me.
So I went back to that first post and read it all the way through. Not too shabby. The words that resonate the most with me today are these;
Writing my way out of the drive-thru: one of the tools I’ve used to keep myself focused has been writing. I write down my dreams, goals, plans, problems, solutions, ideas and things that inspire and motivate me. A lot of what I write about will be my road to weight loss surgery and my life long battle with maintaining that loss.
Weight Loss Surgery: WLS scared the hell out of me. It scared me before I did it and the fear of gaining back the weight I’ve lost continues to scare me everyday. I didn’t have my intestines rerouted just to temporarily lose the weight. I will not gain it back. But fear is good – as Nancy Kress said “Fear is the ancient word for respect”. I have to respect the fat girl inside me. She’s strong and she’s had 47 years to learn a lot of good tricks. The thin woman on the outside is a piker – a relative newcomer to the battle. So I need a good plan.
That fat girl has been feeling pretty smug lately. “Go ahead, re-route your intestines. I’m ALWAYS going to win.”
Maybe. Maybe not. The fight isn’t over. Many battles have been lost but many have been won. Here’s where we stand today:
The Fat Girl: Weighs 234 pounds and has joint pain and some mild sleep apnea symptoms. A1C (marker for diabetes status) is back in the glucose intolerant state (pre-diabetes). She broke her promise and bought bigger clothes.
The Thin Woman: Has a wonderful family, fantastic friends, a great house and a good job. She’s STILL down 87 pounds from her highest weight ever. Exercised every single day all week – including a major push of 2 hours yesterday. (walking and jogging for 1 hour and biking for 1 hour). She’s eating smaller portions and focusing on protein and fiber again. She’s meditating again. She’s taking all her vitamins and trying to drink more water. (What IS that? I live in the freaking desert and I just don’t want to drink water. Wierd.) And she’s blogging again. Uh oh, girl friend! Not so smug now, are we?
So what’s the plan, Stan? Exercise. Eating better. Writing. Meditation.
I know how to do this. What has been done, can be done again. Because I will not give up. I may slip and stumble, struggle along the way, but I will not give up. Never give up; never say die!