Never Give Up, Never Say Die

In May of 2010 I started writing about my road to weight loss surgery and getting healthy. I’ve been on that road for almost 40 years. It’s been an up and down journey. I’m not particularly proud of where I am right now, but I’ve been in worse shape. This week I started AGAIN. I know that no matter how long and how far I slide, I will start over. And over and over. I will never give up, because that means giving up on not just myself, but my family and friends who supported me.

So I went back to that first post and read it all the way through. Not too shabby. The words that resonate the most with me today are these;

Writing my way out of the drive-thru: one of the tools I’ve used to keep myself focused has been writing. I write down my dreams, goals, plans, problems, solutions, ideas and things that inspire and motivate me. A lot of what I write about will be my road to weight loss surgery and my life long battle with maintaining that loss.

Weight Loss Surgery: WLS scared the hell out of me. It scared me before I did it and the fear of gaining back the weight I’ve lost continues to scare me everyday. I didn’t have my intestines rerouted just to temporarily lose the weight. I will not gain it back. But fear is good – as Nancy Kress said “Fear is the ancient word for respect”. I have to respect the fat girl inside me. She’s strong and she’s had 47 years to learn a lot of good tricks. The thin woman on the outside is a piker – a relative newcomer to the battle. So I need a good plan.

That fat girl has been feeling pretty smug lately.  “Go ahead, re-route your intestines. I’m ALWAYS going to win.”

Maybe. Maybe not. The fight isn’t over. Many battles have been lost but many have been won. Here’s where we stand today:

The Fat Girl:  Weighs 234 pounds and has joint pain and some mild sleep apnea symptoms. A1C (marker for diabetes status) is back in the glucose intolerant state (pre-diabetes). She broke her promise and bought bigger clothes.

The Thin Woman: Has a wonderful family, fantastic friends, a great house and a good job. She’s STILL down 87 pounds from her highest weight ever. Exercised every single day all week – including a major push of 2 hours yesterday. (walking and jogging for 1 hour and biking for 1 hour). She’s eating smaller portions and focusing on protein and fiber again. She’s meditating again. She’s taking all her vitamins and trying to drink more water. (What IS that? I live in the freaking desert and I just don’t want to drink water. Wierd.) And she’s blogging again. Uh oh, girl friend! Not so smug now, are we?

So what’s the plan, Stan? Exercise. Eating better. Writing. Meditation.

I know how to do this. What has been done, can be done again. Because I will not give up. I may slip and stumble, struggle along the way, but I will not give up. Never give up; never say die!

 

Falling into Fall Again

Charles Muench Enveloped in Aspens

Charles Muench Enveloped in Aspens

I have been having the blahs for the last few weeks. Odd, because the weather is stunning – bright blue skies and lots of sunshine during the day. Blazing orange and yellow and red leaves. Getting to wear my sweaters and jackets and boots. All good stuff – really my favorite time of year. Yet here I am again, slowing down and eating too much and sleeping oddly.

I went back over my posts from the fall last year and some scribbles from the year before that. It happens every year and every year it’s a big dang surprise. Obviously, even those of us who learn our history, are doomed to repeat it.

Fall is a great time of year for me. I make plans and get started on things that during the spring and summer I actually have the energy to finish. But October is the time of year that I make myself start thinking and planning and getting started because otherwise, months pass and I find myself in March looking at about a 30 pound weight gain, an empty bank account and the whole winter is just a blur.

Started up my light therapy treatments again yesterday.  Probably should have started in September as I normally do, but I was kind of hoping that all this sunshine and being outside would do the trick for me. And it would, but apparently I’m not getting outside enough. S0….I’m doing a challenge!

It’s a work health thing called Falling into Shape or something like that. I’ve been invited to be on a very competitive team and for six weeks we are going to log our steps. The team with most steps wins prizes, fame and fortune. Well, maybe an iPod or an xBox – that works, too.

One of my new team mates walked almost 3/4 of a million steps last year in the challenge. Another one was on the winning team where everyone walked more than 10k steps a day on average. Wow.

This is right up my alley! 10,000 steps is about 5 miles (@ 2000 steps per mile on average of 2.5 feet per step) and takes me about 75 minutes to walk. I can probably walk a little faster than that, but that’s the goal. Of course, since we are all super competitive, we’ve decided we’re going to try and walk 15k steps a day – or more! Wow. We could potentially hit 1,000,000 steps in 6 weeks.

That’s a lot of sunshine. Or treadmill. Either way, it will be really good for me to get my lazy butt off the sofa and my nose out of the books and get MOVING.

So – what’s up with everyone else?

Savor this moment

It’s Saturday morning. The sun is up and shining on fresh snow on the mountains. Down here in the valley it is clear and cold. I’ve got the fire burning and my dogs are sleeping after their early morning run. I’ve got a hot cup of coffee, a blanket and my laptop. Damn I’m lucky!

Hard to feel that way last night when I went to bed exhausted. That seems to be the norm now. Work until I can’t stand up anymore and then collapse. Sleep and recover, then get up and do it all over again. Not taking enough down time to just enjoy life. Rush, rush, rush.

I would like to go to the lake or up to enjoy the snow in the mountains but I have to do my taxes today so I can get them filed by the Oct 15 deadline. Guess it would be a good goal to finish by Sunday afternoon so we can do that.

In the meantime, I’m taking an hour to just enjoy the peace and quiet. That will shortly be shattered when my son’s friend arrives. I feel sure they will play video games most of the day, until I make them go out and ride their bikes or play ball or something for a little while.

I am going to make carrot and ginger soup today. That and a pan of the rye quick bread I’ve been making will be lunch. Dinner is grilled shrimp with some gluten-free pasta.

Did I mention that my husband has discovered he has celiac disease? Yup. He’s been suffering from horrible breakouts for the last couple of years and when we got out here, someone noticed and suggested he try gluten-free. Amazing response in only a few weeks so that’s our new lifestyle – Gluten-Free! Glad as hell it’s now and not 10 years ago. There are so many wonderful resources and products out there. We particularly like the Pamela’s baking mix, though it’s not great for me – too carby. But there are tons of great, healthy, non-gluten good carb things to eat and we’re going to find them all. Quinoa is still a staple and of course, meat, veggies and fruit are all gluten-free. For some people rye causes them to react, but my husband seems to be good with rye so I’ve learned to make this bread. It takes about 10 minutes to get everything out,  mix it up and then clean up the mess. That’s also about how long it takes to pre-heat my oven, so I’ve been making a batch every other day. The boys love it and so do I!

Quicker Rye Quick Bread (with my modifications!)

  • 2.5 cups Bob’s Red Mill dark rye flour 
  • 1 tsp Baking Soda
  • 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 1 tsp natural grey seat salt
  • 1 cup greek yogurt
  • 3/4 cup buttermilk (or milk – I like the tang of the buttermilk)
  • 1/4 cup honey

Pre-heat oven to 400° f and spray a 9×9 baking dish with canola. Mix together all dry ingredients in a large bowl. Mix together wet ingredients in another bowl, then stir quickly into the dry until combined. Don’t over mix! Spread into the baking dish and bake for 15 minutes at 400° f. Turn down the oven to 350° f and continue to bake for 15 minutes or until the bread has pulled away from the sides of the pan and a knife inserted comes clean. Allow to cool in pans for 5 minutes, and then turn out onto cooling racks. This bread will stay good for several days if wrapped in plastic.

Rye Quick Bread (original recipe)

Compliments of: Bluebird Customer & Professional Baker Lynda Oosterhuis

This Swedish bread is traditionally made with cumin seeds but I find it covers up the lightly sweet rye and honey flavors.

  • 5 cups Rye Flour
  • 2 tsp Baking Soda
  • 1 tsp Baking Powder
  • 1 tsp Salt
  • 2 cups Yogurt
  • ½ cup Milk
  • ¼ cup Honey

Pre-heat oven to 400° f and butter 2 8 X 4 inch loaf pans. Mix together all dry ingredients in a large bowl. Mix together wet ingredients and stir into dry. Continue to beat with a wooden spoon for several minutes. Divide among the loaf pans and bake for 20 minutes at 400° f. Turn down the oven to 350° f and continue to bake for 30 minutes or until the bread has pulled away from the sides of the pan and a knife inserted comes clean. Allow to cool in pans for 5 minutes, and then turn out onto cooling racks.

This bread will stay good for several days if wrapped in plastic.

 

As I cook this morning, I’m going to keep reminding myself how fortunate I am to have a great job, in a beautiful location with my healthy family all around me.  Have a great day!

Is it October already?

Just looking at my calendar and realizing that September is almost over.  Where did the summer go?? Still a ton going on here. 90 days into the new job and still think it was the best decision we ever made though it isn’t getting any easier. The move was hard on all of us and there are days we look at each other and say “remind me why we did this?”

Those are the days we pack up a picnic and some towels and go to the lake. Something about seeing that lake, that huge expanse of water framed by gorgeous mountains soothes our souls and gets us back on track. This weekend I took my son camping and that was nice, though the park we went to was a bit too close to the highway and all the noise from the motorcycle rally going on in town.

But waking up to the sunrise, making hot chocolate for my son and scrambling eggs for the early risers was a great start to the day and the week.

I’m still struggling to get in enough exercise. Riding my bike to work a few times a week is not enough.

I’m also struggling with eating too much. I know that is a response to all the stress, but it’s not a good response. I thought I’d done the work I needed to do to change that.

I guess I can call it a success that at least I am aware of what I’m doing. Nothing mindless about it.

Heading to my 30 year high school reunion this weekend back in Atlanta. It will be fun to see my family and friends. I kept thinking it would motivate me to exercise more or eat better, but apparently not. Well, its not about my waistline, is it? (I’ll keep telling myself that as I climb into a girdle on Saturday night!)

Hope everyone is doing well and know that even if I don’t get around to calling anyone, I think about you all the time. Call me or email me so I remember to take time out of my crazy schedule for the important things.

The Dragon’s Tail

My Weight Watcher leader, Jane Brown, has a great way to describe what just happened to me: I was prepared for the dragon that I had to fight with all the travel and the training and the vacationing. But then I came home and collapsed and the dragon’s tail got me.

Yup. Home and getting back into my routine, but three weeks of making good choices and this weekend I went off the rails big time. Ate fried ham and hashbrowns. Ate barbecue and french fries. Drank a lot of wine. The wine is probably the scariest, since I am for damnsure not going to follow the path that leads to: transference of addictions.

I had a random glass of wine while I was traveling and just loved it. I’d forgotten how much I like wine. And I drank a nightly hot chocolate with schnapps while I was vacationing at the ski resort and I really enjoyed that. But it’s been a long time since I drank to the point where I was toasted. Well, I got toasted Saturday night. Sitting at home, drinking wine, by myself.  I was drinking the Muscodo – very sweet, and goes right to my head. Also, makes me want to eat snacky, munchy stuff. Not good. Sounds like the beginning of a story that, frankly, I don’t want to know the ending, so I’m going to skip the item on my to do list that says “Buy more wine.”

So, yay! I’ve identified another land mine and I can safely remove it from my perimeter.

Also a yay! I walked almost 7 miles yesterday in under 2 hours. I think that is my best time yet. And I didn’t feel destroyed when I got home, so good progress. Next weekend I need to go for 8 miles so I can keep up with my half marathon training plan for Walk the Walk in May. I’m not making it to kickboxing class, though. I guess I just feel really worn down and walking is all I want to do. And I’ve kind of sabotaged myself by setting up early meetings all week to work with my offshore team.

Hmm. Maybe another dragon’s tail?

I’m finishing up my morning tea and my pumpkin spiced peanut butter oatmeal now. As soon as I’m done I’m going to hop on the  treadmill and finish my movie and get in a few miles before I head for work.
Have a great day everyone!

No Excuse Day

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On behalf of the President, who I’m sure would approve, I hearby declare this “No Excuse Day”. Today all people everywhere will do their chores, eat healthy, get some exercise and obey the traffic laws.

But…

Nope. No excuses. Like Monday, when I had the makeup appointment with my nutritionist (should have gotten up earlier) and yesterday, when I went upstairs to jump on my treadmill and realized I had about 5 minutes to get out of the house if I was going to make my crack o’ dawn dentist appointment. So – no treadmill. So I took my shoes so I could get a walk in at lunchtime, but it was cold and raining and though I did walk for 10 minutes, it could hardly be called a workout. And after work I went to dinner with an old friend, which was fun, but the tour of his new house was also, not exercise.

Came home at 9 and crashed, never even considered the idea of working out. Woke up at 2am, wide awake – should have done it then, but my excuse was that I would have woken up the whole house and been tired all day. So I went back to sleep.

So what’s my excuse now? Oh, the boys are asleep and I’m not quite awake yet and I need time to wake up and I want to get my blog done and blah blah blah blah.

Does it never end?

Yes. It does. It ends today, because it’s “No Excuse Day” and I won’t blog again until I’ve done 45 minutes on my treadmill.

Hope to be back soon.

My Very First Blog Post

I read a book when I was 12 called Julie of the Wolves. Something the author said always stuck with me “When you are afraid, turn around and go back to the beginning”. So, I went back to the beginning of my blogging and found a couple of posts to try and think myself back into that mind frame:

August 2009 – First post on beforeandeatinghelp.com:

I have been “lurking” a little this past week, but hadn’t really introduced myself. I’m almost 47, married to Fred who is wonderful and we have one son, Jacob who is 7. I live and work in Atlanta, Georgia (in the Perimeter area for those who are local) and am approved and scheduled for RNY surgery on August 26th. I’m getting prepared by researching and planning which is how I found BE. I’ve been really impressed with not only the volume of information, but the quality and tone. Everyone has been really upbeat and postive and it makes me feel more hopeful for a positive outcome. I’ve had two other major surgeries in the last few years and had complications with both, so I’m a little anxious and planning makes me feel more in control! I’m lucky that Fred is supporting me in this, since he’s even more freaked out at the idea than I am. I’m following others who are having surgery this month so let me know if you are also an “August-09 RNY-er”! My life story in a nutshell is born at the dead end of a dirt road in Georgia; scholarship to Yale, traveled around the world working for Coca-Cola, retired and began doing technical project consulting in 1998 when I got married. I still get in a few international trips a year – because traveling and cooking and reading are my three passions (after Fred and Jacob!) I just got back from a trip to Singapore which was one of my reasons for finally having the surgery: my balance and strength was so poor that I fell down and ended up in the hospital there. So now I’m doing Wii fit for exercise to get in better shape before the surgery and have been drastically reducing the volume of food I’m eating, while focusing on protein, veggies and fruit. I also have to learn to drink more liquids and take daily vitamins – something I”m really bad at. I’ve ordered the sample pack, the ice cream sandwich protein drink and some Sangria from the shop, as well as the Bariatric Advantage vitamins and some protein bars. I’m looking forward to trying some of the clear liquids with protein as soon as the Isopure is available again. I love all the recipes and have already started working my way through some of them. Karen

 

May 2010 – First blog post on getsmartgetstrong.com:

Two years ago I weighed 321 pounds. For an intelligent person, that wasn’t very smart. So I made the decision to change my life and get strong.

I am “The Project Manager”: I have worked in technology related roles for over 25 years. As a PMI certified Project Management Professional (PMP) I have a lot of skills that I like to think of as my super powers.

My super powers: I know how to research, organize information, put together teams to build solutions, and then plan and implement those solutions. I’ve been doing that for over twenty years for others, now I’m finally using my powers for good for myself.

Writing my way out of the drive-thru: one of the tools I’ve used to keep myself focused has been writing. I write down my dreams, goals, plans, problems, solutions, ideas and things that inspire and motivate me. A lot of what I write about will be my road to weight loss surgery and my life long battle with maintaining that loss.

Weight Loss Surgery: WLS scared the hell out of me. It scared me before I did it and the fear of gaining back the weight I’ve lost continues to scare me everyday. I didn’t have my intestines rerouted just to temporarily lose the weight. I will not gain it back. But fear is good – as Nancy Kress said “Fear is the ancient word for respect”. I have to respect the fat girl inside me. She’s strong and she’s had 47 years to learn a lot of good tricks. The thin woman on the outside is a piker – a relative newcomer to the battle. So I need a good plan.

My Battle Plan: I’ve been overweight since I was 11 years old. I’ve tried diets. There will likely be some posts here on the various diets I’ve tried, because frankly, I think I’ve tried them all. As soon as I stopped (or sooner on some of them!) I gained it all back and then some. I’ve tried exercising and that works – until you stop. I’ve tried hypnosis and therapy and weight watchers and support groups and I’ve even gone to a fat farm. But what I never really tried was all of them at once, with the conscious decision that whatever I’m doing, I’m doing forever.

BariatricEating.com: I bought a few books and one of them was Susan Maria’s Before and After Weight Loss Surgery. She really spoke to me – her love of food and life and how she incorporated that into her new post-WLS lifestyle. I visited the board and have become a regular visitor and poster. Some of what I post here were thoughts that started at BE. I need that support and the knowledge that I can go there anytime of the day and read, write and learn.

Weight Watchers: I joined WW because my doctor suggested it. I’m glad he did. I’ve learned so much at WW and when I feel scared about gaining my weight back, I know that one of the tools in my arsenal is WW and the accountability that the weekly meetings brings to my struggle. I think that Weight Watchers and Weight Loss Surgery belong together for super morbidly obese people. We didn’t get to be MO because we had great habits and knew how to do everything. So having WLS is just one of many steps.

Exercise: I know that you can lose weight after WLS without exercising. But I know from experience that you can’t keep losing and you can’t get to your goal without it. Plus, there is no way in hell you’re going to keep it off without exercising. (And did I mention the flabbiness – I’ll get to that later!) So suck it up and do it. It doesn’t have to be boot camp with the big boys. It can be a walk or a swim or ski jumping on Wii fit. Lots of posts on going from the couch to my first triathlon – coming up in June.

My Family: my husband is wonderful. He loves, respects and supports me so much and makes it possible for me to do all that I do. He is also capable of annoying the crap out of me, so I suspect that some of my blogs will be venting about the most wonderful, patient, intelligent and caring man I’ve ever met. My son is terrific. I’m so lucky and so proud. He’s home-schooled by my husband and together they have great adventures in learning that my husband journals and I’ll probably steal so I can share them here as well.

 

7:10 AM – just read a personal message on the BE board that made me cry like a baby. Now I’m going to go upstairs and do my treadmill for half an hour. Baby steps.

Whine and Cheese

One of the things I have said about a million times since I really started making progress on my health was that I couldn’t do it alone. I needed my weight watcher’s group and leader, I needed my weight loss therapist, I needed my nutritionist, my doctor, my trainer and my friends and support groups.

So why am I trying to do this alone now? I haven’t been to weight watchers in about a month – haven’t even logged in online. I haven’t seen my therapist in about as long and I “forgot” about meeting with my nutritionist last week. I dropped out of one gym where I’d been working with a trainer and haven’t been back to Knuckle up in ages. I’m still going onto the support boards almost every day, but I’m not really posting there as much as I used to do and I guess I don’t feel like I’m getting very much of a response from blogging and posting as I have in the past. Or maybe it is that time of year when it is hard for me to HEAR it, or FEEL it. Just because I’m not hiding under the covers, doesn’t mean the seasonal affective disorder isn’t playing merry hell with my psyche.

Though I do understand about the response. I think everyone I know is kind of tired of hearing about it and has stopped reading. (Not everyone, I KNOW who really reads and sends messages and you guys are my lifeline right now.) But there’s no getting away from the fact that maintenance and gaining isn’t as sexy as losing weight. You don’t get that sense of reward and accomplishment, especially when instead of losing or maintaining, you gain a few pounds. How sad. How ordinary. I guess she’s not going to be the one in a million who loses weight, gets to goal and keeps it off.  Sigh.

Signs I am not maintaining: I wore my goal jeans on Saturday. The ones that fit (though were very tight) in July and had gotten lose and baggy and now are starting to get snug in the stomach. The waist is not snug, but it isn’t baggy anymore either. The hips are a little baggy; (must face facts: I’ve got severe noassatall syndrome.)

This weekend I wandered around the goodwill looking at bigger clothes. I didn’t let myself buy any, but there was this sense of panic that I might need them and I’ve given them all away, because I pledged to be naked if I regained. This morning I weighed in at 176 pounds – I’m up 3.5 pounds and seeing a lot more upward fluctuations than down.  I’m not doing well with the stress in my life and I don’t have that much stress. I’m worried about money and work and taxes, but I guess that just makes me an American. I’m worried about regain and being naked because my clothes are getting too tight, but that just makes me an American woman. Ha! A joke!

Obviously, despite my beautiful new therapy light, I’m feeling very low today. After 20 minutes of light I am starting to force myself to see the positive side as well:  I don’t have to do this by myself. I can drop in on a weight watcher’s meeting today if I wanted (I’m a monthly member) and I’m rescheduled to see my nutritionist this morning. I’ve got an appointment with my weight loss counselor on Thursday and I’m sure if I picked up the phone, I could go in and see my surgeon. Probably not a bad idea. They probably hear these problems a lot, right?

Well, that’s my whine for the day. Would anyone like some cheese with that?

Fat Head Syndrome (FHS)

If you’ve ever gotten drunk, you probably have a hazy memory of starting the evening. Maybe you were all dressed up and feeling good about yourself. Maybe you were looking forward to having your favorite beer, a glass of some really fabulous wine. Your friends are there and everyone is talking and laughing. One drink leads to another.  After that it gets a little fuzzy. You wake up the next day, head pounding, your mouth tasting like something crawled in there and died.

Yesterday I started my day with pancakes, peaches and sausages. Not exactly a weight loss surgery friendly meal. High on carbs, big on bulk and more sugar and less protein than I need in a meal. Surely, I persuaded myself, the whole wheat flour we’ve substituted into the pancakes and that they were smaller and thinner made them much healthier.  And the peaches were from fresh, organic peaches that I cooked with splenda and froze last summer.  The sausages were chicken and apple, so a much better choice than the full pork, high fat ones I used to eat.

But still. Too much food. Too many carbs. Too much sugar and too much fat. I had a protein drink later, but it was really like locking the barn door after the horses were out. All day I had Fat Head Syndrome (FHS).

FHS is when you think about doing something good for you and you talk yourself out of it, for example, when you know you should go for a walk and you make cookies instead.

FHS is when your menu calls for grilled fish and broccoli and you have barbecue and tortilla chips instead.

FHS is when you have a list of errands and chores to get done on the weekend and you surf the web, watch television and read trashy novels instead.

FHS is when you finally drag yourself out of the house and into the sunshine and instead of getting the walk you need, you go to the Goodwill and spend 4 hours mindlessly flipping through clothes. The only good thing about that was that I did get out of the house and it was the only four hours all day that I didn’t mindlessly graze and snack. And I found a fabulous lamb leather jacket and a cool bedazzled t-shirt.

But did I really need to spend $36 on clothes when a fair portion of my clothes are dirty or most of the rest are lying on my bed upstairs, waiting to be put away? The answer is no, but.

No, I didn’t need to spend that money, but I did find a great deal.

No, I didn’t need to spend that money, but I have wanted a leather jacket for ages and $26 for a leather jacket IS a great deal. And I look pretty good in it. But the resulting guilt from using the shopping addiction to try to address the fall back into compulsive eating put me firmly on the sofa for the rest of the night, mindlessly watching shows like Hoarder and Heavy – that both address possible scenarios for my future if I don’t snap out of it – until after midnight.

So, Sunday morning, almost 10 and I’m finally up, blogging and sipping my first protein drink of the day. My wonderful, loving family is surrounding me with love and support. My husband, who sat next to me and dozed to keep me company in my crazed channel flipping, made coffee and is even now cooking veggies for an omelet for our breakfast while I sit in the light of the therapy device he built for me. (More on that later in Labor of Love post).

This afternoon, my son and I are going to hike up Stone Mountain and get some exercise and out of the house. After blogging and breakfast I’m going to work on my list of chores and do my laundry, put away my clothes and clean my bedroom. Then I’m going to try to make a stab at my office, which has become a dumping ground instead of  a place to work and think and create. It may take me a while, but it is the first step in getting our taxes done, which, if I’m honest, is where yesterday’s FHS originated.

Do What I Say, Not What I Do

Oh wait, I did have my stomach stapled. Why was that again? Oh right, so I could be healthy. Really off the rails this week and need to get back on, so here’s the unvarnished truth of what I really did:

All week while I was ice bound, I tried to motivate myself by writing about how to get moving, keep moving and tell if you are moving enough. Yet I was only able to get myself onto the treadmill once all week and the only other exercise I did was a four hour amble around the Tennessee Aquarium yesterday.

Last night I laid out my exercise clothes, went to sleep early, set the alarm and was absolutely, positively going to make i to kickboxing class. But I slept through the alarm. And about a hundred snooze alarms. My only excuse is that being up all night Sunday for the software release left me more tired than 8 hours of sleep and I slept for 11 hours. Wow. That’s a lot of sleep.

So what now? It’s 8:30 AM, I have a couple of hours until I need to get to work. It isn’t iced over anymore, I can go to the gym. I can get out for a walk. I can go up and do my beautiful treadmill and watch a movie in the comfort of my own home. What is it that is keeping me from getting in some exercise? Here is a list of excuses that come to mind, most of them big fat lies:

  • I’m tired (just slept 11 hours…)
  • I don’t feel like going out (yet I complain of cabin fever)
  • I would wake up the whole household if I did my treadmill (not really true – pretty insulated – plus, they have to get up anyway)
  • My wrist hurts (since when do you use your wrists for walking?)
  • I’m kind of sore and achy all over (Yep. Happens every time you stop exercising.)
  • My toe is still bothering me (Uh huh. And you haven’t thought of that toe for weeks.)
  • I’m not sure where my sneakers are. (I am. Right next to the treadmill.)
  • I really need to get into the office early. (Why? You have to stay until 6:30. Going in at 10:00 or 10:30 is fine.)
  • I just don’t feel like it

Well – that’s the only real reason. So why don’t I feel like exercising? I made it through my maintenance period without gaining weight and I know that is because I kept exercising all through the crazy holiday period and traveling for vacation. So now what? I’m going to gain weight and go off track because I said I was going to try and lose 2.5 pounds?

Pause.

Wow. That’s it. I’m afraid of losing 2.5 pounds. Or rather, I’m afraid I won’t do it. Can’t do it. Jeeze louis! That is the silliest thing my subconscious has thrown at me in a while. I’m afraid that I can’t lose 2.5 pounds. I’m going to attack emotion with logic:

Losing 2.5 pounds requires a calorie deficit of 8750 calories. If I create a 500 calorie deficit every day for 18 days. 18 days,  I am pretty darn sure I can lose 2.5 pounds. I can do that with just some good solid exercise and eating 1200 calories a day because my BMR is 1821 with no exercise at all. If I eat 1200 calories a day, then I’m creating a 621 calorie deficit every day. If I then add in burning at least 400 calories a day by exercise, then I should lose 2.5 pounds in one week. Of course, for me, I know it depends on what I eat, when I eat and how I eat. I need to crank up my protein and limit my carbs to about 50 grams a day. For some reason, my body is just super, super carb sensitive. So though I don’t GAIN any weight when I eat more carbs (as long as I’m exercising) I know that I don’t really lose any weight until I cut back and start eating CLEAN.

Eating clean is lean protein, vegetables and complex carbs like quinoa with only some very low glycemic fruits like blueberries. Almond butter, almonds (in limited quantities), olive oil and other good healthy sources of fat. All my vitamins. All the water I’m supposed to drink (this is hard for me in the winter. Need to work on that.)

Okay. I’m feeling calm again. I’ve faced my fear, irrational though it was and I’m going to go do my treadmill while I drink some water. Then I’m going to pack up my lunch, my vitamins and my snacks and get to work and start working on my next goal.