It’s just a number

My Weight History in Numbers

5

What I weighed at birth. I am happy to say I have no burning desire to get back to this weight. 1963.

150

What I weighed at the end of high school when I thought I was fat. I wore size 16. I wish I could go back and tell her how perfect she was, just the way she was with no need to starve or take pills or exercise to the point of pain and injury. 1981

220

What I weighed at the end of freshman year after a year of my all you can eat food plan. I had never had access to this kind of food or so much of it. 1982.

180

What I weighed after a semester abroad in London where I was broke, eating vegetarian and walking miles and miles every day in 1984.

280

What I weighed when I left for a six month job in the Africa Division at Coca-Cola in 1993.

199

What I weighed when I met my husband in 1995.

235

What I weighed when I started hiking the Appalachian Trail. Too heavy and my ankles gave out. 1998.

235

What I weighed on my wedding day. Why was I weighing on my wedding day???? 1998.

270

What I weighed when I found out I was pregnant with Jacob. 2001.

321

My highest recorded weight. Diabetes. Sleep apnea. Arthritis. Joint pain. Chest pains. Unable to do much of anything. My doctor recommended weight loss surgery. 2005.

291

What I weighed after two years of trying to lose weight and begin exercising and eating healthy. Poor balance led to a bad fall and the decision to have weight loss surgery. 2009.

278

What I weighed when I had weight loss surgery. 2009.

170

My lowest weight after surgery and before the hunger came back. 2010.

260

What I weighed when I joined OA. 2016.

240

What I weighed when I discovered Bright Line Eating and surrendered to my addiction to flour and sugar.

189

What I weigh today. 2018.

865

Number of days in OA.

169

My next goal weight. To get below my lowest after surgery weight and not have ab obese or overweight BMI. When??? 4 months? More? Less? Don’t know.

149

My new, ultimate goal weight. At my height of 5’4″ I am told I could go to 125. But I’d be pretty scrawny at 149, so I might stick somewhere between 169-125.

Somedays I marvel at how thin I am. Somedays I am overwhelmed by how fat I am. I wear a size 12 which is awesome but shows how sizes are such a joke because I know I’m bigger. I do have some body dismorphia but I know I’m bigger and flabbier than I was at 199 in 1998. And yet, I am much more at peace with this size than I have ever been. 2018 is a good year.

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And the beat goes on…

I was dancing around the Greenhouse yesterday as I prepared plants for the summer plant sale.

Literally dancing.

And singing.

I was doing monotonous work that usually makes me impatient and cranky. Things like cleaning and paperwork.<shudder>

So I cranked up the speakers and played music that makes me feel alive. I made it through eight hours. Happily.

More and more happy moments this past month.

I am still following the Bright Line Eating program. Still avoiding all sugar and sweeteners and all flours. Still eating three meals a day and weighing my food.

I’m still active in Overeaters Anonymous and for the next year will be working with the OA World Virtual Services to make meetings available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year from wherever you are.

Exciting stuff.

And fun. The World Service Business Conference blew my mind. OA is so much more than the USA. I met people from 17 countries. We have the same stories. We could connect and share with pictures and videos and the few words we spoke of each other’s language.

Incredible.

Still no job. Money is beyond tight. Very grateful my husband continues to do the daily grind while I do service at OA and the Greenhouse.

My health is good. Low blood sugars. Very rare gout attacks in my finger (seems to happen whenever I lose 5-10 pounds but I’m happy to put up with it.) I’ve lost 68 pounds since joining OA in Jan 2016. 48 of that since starting Bright Line Eating in November 2017. Crazy and wonderful. I weigh 192 pounds. Onederland again! 22 pounds until I get back to where I was after bariatric weight loss surgery. (RNY August 2009)

I’m wearing size 12 jeans instead of 22 or bigger. I wore a snug dress and heels to the OA convention banquet.

And I danced.

A lot.

My new friend took a video because I was worrying about my bat wings and was the dress too tight and blah blah blah.

I look normal. I look happy.

I’ve surrendered to the reality that as a compulsive overeater I will never be a normal eater.

But I can have a normal body and I can wear normal clothes and I am happy and free from my compulsive food behavior. And thin. Happy, Thin and Free.

For today. (Because that’s all I’ve got!)

 

Bright Lines – only a little blurred after 118 days

Still making progress but slowly. Lots of travel this month so I was only focusing on eating the right things. I am almost always eating them at the right time but not always and still struggling on quantity. That’s always where I fall down on this program – eating between meals (occasionally) and eating more than I should or not measuring so not having any idea if I’m eating the right amounts. During my trip I had a lot of “grain” servings at lunch and dinner, which is what we do when we get to maintenance weight. So no surprise, really, that I didn’t lose any weight. A nice surprise that I didn’t GAIN any weight. And now that I’m home, I’m working hard on re-entry so I lost 2 pounds this week. Despite that, I’m feeling very nervous and have lost my peace with the food. The reasons for this are obvious:

  1. Not writing down my food plan at night
  2. Not committing my food plan to my buddy
  3. Haven’t made it to a Master Mind call in two weeks (one tomorrow! Yay!)
  4. Have been constantly changing my food plan to the point where I am struggling with what the hell to eat
  5. Have stopped doing my daily checklist and have still not gotten back to it
  6. I broke my bright lines on Tuesday (one small NMF but still….lots of cravings and craziness the rest of the day)

The plan is:

  • Ask for a Bright Line sponsor (done)
  • Go back to the basics on the food plan and stop tinkering with what works
  • Write down today’s food and tomorrows
  • Commit my food to my buddy and my sponsor
  • Dig out my checklist and start doing it
  • Mastermind call tomorrow
  • Go back to WLS basics: eat slow, chew well, no drinks with meals, take my vitamins, drink my water,
  • Go back to the pool
  • Start blogging again (done!)

I can do this. Again. And again. Until I don’t need to start over anymore because I’ll be living the life I deserve.

Weight: 206.2 lbs – next goal is 199.9 so 6.3 pounds to go.

Day 68 with Blue Hair and (mostly) Bright Lines

Another three weeks and I am still making progress. Steady weight loss but also steady improvement in overall happiness and well being which may be more important!

Today I am wearing size 16 pants and weigh 215. I am 17 pounds from my next goal which is Onderland – meaning under 200 pounds. 199.9 will work!

I’ve been shopping and buying a few key items in size 16, 14, 12 and 10. When I get to 12 I might buy a few 8’s – how crazy is that? Also believe I saved some smaller clothes out in the garage. Will have to figure this out soon.

On the non-weight side of life – I dyed my hair blue this week. The spray on kind which thank goodness washed right out as advertised.

It was so much fun! Skinny jeans, chunky high heeled boots and a blue sweatshirt that says “Trust me, I’m a Jedi”.

Things at the Greenhouse are going well. Got a consulting gig or two to make some real money (gotta buy smaller pants!).

Going to celebrate my birthday and 100+ days on BLE with a visit to London. Can’t wait to see my friends!! IMG_20180130_200450808.jpg

Bright Line Eating – Day 41

It’s hard to believe that tomorrow will begin my 7th week eating with Bright Lines. I have lost 15 pounds. Dropped another 2 full sizes. In the world of yo-yo dieting where I once owned property and held a high office, that’s nothing.

But in the world I live in now – no dieting, no binging, no whacking off parts of your body to make the scale move – that’s just short of a miracle. Doing that since Thanksgiving? Through two trips cross country 4 airport days), two weddings and assorted rehearsal and other family events, two big holiday parties, Hannukah, New Year’s Eve party and New Year’s Day dinner? Miraculous seems just  right.  (Until you know the science!)

The biggest, bestest part of all is that I feel amazing. Energetic after so long forcing myself to move. Clear headed from the brain fog that has started to lift. My memory is improving.

My mood is also up – so up I had to reduce my SAD meds and then titrated right down and off them. First time in 20 years I haven’t been medicated for New Year’s. (And not suicidal…but HAPPY!)

I am rarely hungry. My biggest problem is eating all the food  – awesome, fabulous food – that I am supposed to eat. My second biggest problem is not jumping into an exercise program, because we are not supposed to until we pass the 90 day detox mark. (Unless you were already doing regular exercise.)

Yep. Doctor says “Don’t exercise. It will impede your weight loss.” Whoa!!!

I am using my energy to start digging out from under the staggering clutter that has built up in my house.

Cleared out my closet yesterday. Selling or donating a 3 foot high stack of clothes that are now too big.

So – when your current New Year’s plan starts to falter, we are here for you!  The plan is simple (though for some reason people think this is more extreme than weight loss surgery):

1. No sugar and no sweeteners of any kind, natural, artificial – nothing sweet but fruit.

2. No flour of any kind. No healthy non-gluten flour. Whole grains, yes, but just for breakfast during weight loss phase.

3. Three meals a day. Period. Full stop. 5-6 hours apart. No snacks. This one was harder for me than the other two!

4. Weigh all your food on a digital scale. (While traveling, I did the one plate method where you pile up your salad and vegetables, add one piece of fruit, a card deck size amount of protein and. Thumb tip amount of fat.

I did the 14 day challenge – lost 7 pounds. Went on a 3 day binge and regained 3. (Thus helping to convince myself that my brain and body are addicted to flour and sugar.) Started the 8 week boot camp on December 20th. I am halfway through week 3. Have a wonderful Facebook group for support. Have daily coaching modules from Dr. Susan Peirce Thompson (my hero). I eat beautiful meals filled with flavor and texture and color. And now that I am home and the holidays are over, I am losing about a pound a day.

And you know what? I don’t care if it slows to a pound a month. This feels RIGHT.nucleus accumbens.jpeg

 

 

The Myth of the Premium Gaming Laptop (aka Alienware Lemon)

alienware-logo-white-213731.jpgI have been struggling with my Alienware laptop for over a year. One repair after another. Service techs to the house. Walking us through dismantle and repair. Shipping it back to Dell. Just arrived again – for the 3rd time – today and it doesn’t work right out of the box. $2800 for a laptop that stops working every few weeks is ridiculous. We purchased premium support which we we’re assured would help, but am getting the run around – big time. When I suggested it was time for a refund, they generously offered to replace it – finally! No thanks you. For what? Another year of stress??

 

Update: after dealing with a complete jerk in executive support for a few weeks, I took to social media and filed a police report with the Houston Police. Then I called CSAT, who owns the CATS repair Depot in Houston. I called and left messages for every single member of the executive team there.

On Thursday a wonderful woman from support at Dell called and arranged for a replacement drive to be installed on Friday. The laptop is working as of 3pm Friday.

Thank you, Linda Kelly and all the great folks at CSAT who escalated the call.

Week Two – Done!

Except for the “honeymoon” period after weight loss surgery, I have never lost weight so easily without drugs. The Bright Line Eating style has kept me losing steadily for two weeks now – 9.4 pounds in 13 days. I am not hungry. I am not craving. I am not obsessing about what I can’t eat. I am not cheating or even very tempted to do so.

It seems too simple. Too inexpensive. I had weight loss surgery (and complications) that cost over $70k. I lost 151 pounds but gained all but 40 back. I have spent thousands of dollars more in the last 40 years on diets and programs and books and food and supplements and trainers and gym memberships and so on and so on, ad nauseum.

I paid $17 for the book. I splurged and paid $29 for a two week challenge to get a more detailed meal plan. I may save up and do the 8 week boot camp for $400.

But maybe not. I might not need it.

Less than $500, easy weight loss and serenity with food – that is a pretty good deal. 51ESNgw1lQL._SX342_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg