Scuba Class

Had my first scuba class on Friday night. Not as scary as I remember. I easily passed the treading water and swimming tests. We geared up for snorkeling and spent a couple of hours learning to surface dive, a step dive off the size and basic snorkel and mask clearing.

The mask clearing is my challenge. As soon as the water hits my eyes I want to suck in air thru my nose. Not sure why. I need to keep repeating to myself “I do not breath through my eyes”!

The instructors were great. Bruce, the store manager, very funny and entertaining in addition to knowing his stuff. The other instructor was something surprising and very special. He’s been diving for over 50 years and spent 10 years as a professional treasure hunter. He started in the days when they took fire extinguishers and screwed on regulators, then found someone to fill them with air. He’s very knowledgeable and patient and I think just what I need to get me through this.

I need to catch up with the reading – apparently the others knew they were supposed to read chapters 2 & 3 before class, but I didn’t know and didn’t have the book. I had plenty of time to read it Friday night – the class started about an hour after I got there while the three high school girls in the class were fitted out with snorkels and fins and masks. I still have all my stuff from my honeymoon in 1998, and I’m determined not to buy anything unless I finish the class.

To pass I have to complete 4 open water dives. That means a trip somewhere in the next month to do the dives. That will be fun and should work out well as a little anniversary trip for me and Fred, which was the whole point of this really. Although funnily enough, Fred asked me last night why I was taking scuba right now. Duh! We talked about it in that therapy session with Rebecca that Fred came to and he didn’t remember AT ALL. Ha! Who’s got memory issues now, bucko?

Anyway, I’m taking it. I like it and despite being completely exhausted and starving after the class ended at 10:30 pm, didn’t do too badly.

Ran my first continuous mile

I’m starting to realize that I don’t push myself often enough.

I just ran my first continuous mile in 10 minutes 53 seconds – much faster than I thought I could.

I walked and recovered for 90 seconds, then thought, hang on, I think I can do another one. It was even faster! 10 minutes 43 seconds.

I walked, stretched and breathed and thought why not? Ran ANOTHER mile in 11 minutes 33 seconds.

3.2 miles, 3 running, the rest recovery time – all under 36 minutes. Which means I shaved 12 minutes off the 5k I walked/ran in the Triathlon in June.  I didn’t actually have a speed goal – just wanted to be able to run one mile, without stopping.

Like I said, I don’t push myself hard enough, often enough.

Today I did and to prove it I have a blister on my instep and another one on my toe. My back and legs are tight and I am beat. But I did it.  I ran a 5k. It was hard – I had to really push myself.  Not so much physically, though that was part of it. Mostly it was my brain. My brain that wants to set limits and past that “thou shalt not go”.

I felt elated and victorious when I finished. Walking back, singing The Climb at the top of my lungs and then punching the air to Eye of the Tiger. Then I started to feel overwhelmed with something else. I cried a little bit. I came home and got praise and hugs from Fred and Jacob. Fred made me a celebratory cup of tea while I had a soak in the bath.

I think what I was feeling was regret and fear. Not much. Just a tiny bit. Regret that I didn’t realize years ago that all this was within my grasp. That it was up to me to make it happen.

The fear is harder. It sounds boastful to say it out load, but I was feeling fear because if I can do anything, then that means I can make all my dreams come true.

I just have to push a little harder.

Midnight of the Soul – August 25, 2009

As my one year surgiversary comes around, I’m going back to some of my earlier journal entries: August 25, 2009 12:39 AM It is 32 hours until my surgery. I have researched and planned and am coming to the end of my pre-op to do list. I think I’ve read every post on the Bariatriceating.com board and six full length books on the subject. I’ve watched YouTube videos of the surgery, read countless websites and medical journals. I’ve bought and tested protein and chewable vitamins. I ordered a treadmill so I can walk after the surgery (no excuses about it’s too hot, its raining, its dark, etc, etc). I cleaned and organized my whole house. I wrapped up my job and I’m out for two weeks to focus on the surgery and recovery. I’ve lined up family to come and stay to help out with my son and even a “babysitter” for my husband during the surgery. I’ve gassed the car, stocked up on everything we might need for the next two weeks.
I even started seeing a therapist today so I can try to deal with the mental aspects of losing all this insulation I’ve been hoarding for so long.

I know that I should be in bed, sleeping. I don’t want to be overly tired going into the surgery. But I’ve been on clear liquids for over 24 hours and I’m a little hungry, I slosh when I walk and I have to pee every five minutes.

But…I am second guessing all my decisions, which seems to be normal from the posts I’ve read. I guess my biggest concern is that there aren’t any NEGATIVE posts on this board. Are they all deleted? I find it hard to believe that no one ever felt like this was the worst thing they ever did to themselves. Right now, I want to read THOSE posts and try to feel as if I’ve given equal research time to positive and negative opinions.

I’ve lost 9 inches off my stomach in the last year; I’ve lost over 33 pounds; I’ve exercised 30 out of the last 36 days. So why do I need WLS? Why can’t I just keep doing this?
If I can imagine success with the surgery, why can’t I imagine it without the surgery?
Am I doing it to look good? Or am I really doing it for my health? What right do I have to risk my life when I have a 7 year old child and a husband who need me in their lives?
If I do this, should I have the sleeve instead, even though my insurance won’t pay for it? Should I go with the band so I can have it reversed someday?

Deep breath in. Slow breath out.

I’m going to go back to bed and listen to my guided imagery for surgery. Maybe Bella Ruth can put me to sleep!
Good night and thanks for listening to me whine.
KCB